Love and The Married Woman


Kobra Khanoom
by Kobra Khanoom

I have revived Kobra Khanoom’s advice column because the older I get the more ups and downs I experience, the more like her I become. So if you need a naneh to help you with a problem ask Kobra Khanoom and she will try her best to answer your question. It is, after all, up to you to listen. Your anonimity is held dear unless you want your name revealed! Email me at

Question: I have a crush on a married woman and she seems to like me a lot too-but we have never talked about it or had any inappropriate physical contact so to speak. What signs should I look for that would tell me it's okay to make a move? Is it worth all the potential trouble?

Khanoom's Kobra Answer: In order to answer you properly I need to know some specifics. Not having the details I will try to answer to different scenarios here.

If she is married to a friend then by all means stay away and keep away: get her off of your mind! Even theives and gangsters have certain values and one luti (iranian thugs with values to define it very roughly) value that seems to be universal among men and I think has a great civilizing effect on society is staying away from friends' spouses and partners. Without this one principal then we all descend into the realm of animals.

If, however, the guy is a jerk and just an aquaintance then it is different. It also depends on whether she has children and seems reasonably happy. If there are small childern and an entrenched life with a husband even if there is no love and the passion between them has died then you have to think of the children's interest first and stay away and keep away: get her off of your mind.

Infact even if she is single and has children living with her you have to first think of wether you can be committed enough to be good for the children. When children are involved no matter what the situation their welfare should be put above everyone else's.

If the husband is a jerk, who is bad for the kids and her, you still have to ask yourself if you can be a good step-father and partner to her and her kid(s). You have to know that if you enter a relationship with a woman who has under-aged childern living with her whenever you do something to hurt her you are really hurting the innocent children as well. Only if you are madly in love, truly committed and capable of taking all that baggage and she and her kids are in a really bad marriage are you allowed to even begin approaching her. Even then extremely carefully and with utmost humility.

It is hard to handle one's own children let alone someone else's. A relationship with a mother of minor children can never really be light and is, by definition, serious. It is not for the young of mind and weak of heart. Only the truly courageous and selfless souls can take on a woman with minor childern and keep them all happy!

If there are no kids and the husband is a jerk and not a friend then go for it. The signs you should look for are no different than if she was not married. But remember women in bad marriages are vulnerable and you need to be careful go after her if you really think you could love her you don't want to end up hurting someone for sport.

There is yet another possibility. She may be inkareh-- meaning you may not be the first lover or the last. In that case if she is not married to a friend and does not have minor children then go for it. But be careful because you may get hurt! Men and women who are players are extremely prone to hurt those they seduce it is part of their way of feeding their egos. They are essentially insecure and bad people who make up for their hang-ups and short comings by stacking up the number of conquests they make. You are better off masterbating the rest of your life!

Khobra Khanoom

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more from Kobra Khanoom

Souri Khanoom

by Shocked (not verified) on

Thank you for being so generous and humble Souri Khanoom. You are a good person. Pain is the name of the game when it comes to affairs. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone someone who is honestly seeking advice. An affair is not a 'fun game' whichever way you sice and dice it. 'Going for it' as Kobra Khanoom prescribes is not wise at all.



by Souri on

Thanks for enlightening me. I read your comment and came to agree with some of your ideas.

It might be true that the man in question doesn't talk about "love" and I may mistaken this, with a true love, while "having a crush" is not really as a powerful feeling as I had described previously.

In that case, you are right dear.



be more specific

by Male Perspective (not verified) on

Dear Kobra Khanoom

Hypothetically speaking,

Question #1 from a co-worker: In my office I have a crush on a married woman. She is my colleague and we work together in close proximity. I enjoy working with her and she seems to like me a lot too, but we have never talked about it or had any inappropriate physical contact so to speak, because the rules about sexual harassment in the work place are very clear and zero tolerance policy is strictly adhered to. What signs should I look for that would tell me it's okay to make a move? Is it worth all the potential trouble?

Question #2 from a prisoner: I have a crush on a married woman. I am currently in the Death Row of San Quentin State Prison awaiting execution. Through a letter writing campaign to spare my life I became acquainted with this woman and she seems to like me a lot too. We have never talked about it or had any inappropriate contact so to speak. What signs should I look for that would tell me it's okay to make a move? Is it worth all the potential trouble?

Question #3 from old friend: I have a crush on a married woman who is the woman of my dream from my college years. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met in my life. Recently I found out that she was getting ready to divorce her abusive husband. My body language may have inadvertently indicated that I like her a lot, and she seems to like me a lot too. We have never talked about it or had any inappropriate contact so to speak. What signs should I look for that would tell me it's okay to make a move? Is it worth all the potential trouble?

In your introductory header, please ask your questioners to be more specific about their dilemma. It makes a world of difference.

Male Perspective,


afarin ..............

by javaneh29 on

So Kobra Khanoom just to clarify, on this occassion your advice is if she is married to a someone who isnt a friend or who is a  jerk (who's defining jerk?)  go after her! If she's married to a friend... then she's out of bounds! And if she's in a bad marriage, she's vulnerable  (Interesting do you define vulnerable in this situation in comparison with say  a woman who has been out of relationships for 11 yrs?) . If she has kids, you urge caution ..... thank god the kids get some consideration.

This guy only said he's got a 'crush' on her?  Im sure you have been successful in putting this guy off her completely now ! afarin.

Marriage is a legal, moral and perhaps even a 'holy' contract' and really deserves more respect regardless of whether the husband is friend, foe or even if he is a 'jerk'.



Why surprised at "Shocked"????

by American Wife (not verified) on

As for thinking he/she is single, I'd almost think just the opposite.  It would be my assumption that a single person would be less concerned about the sanctity of marriage.  And there is NO offense meant... I am certainly not suggesting that ANY single person here or elsewhere is more or less committed. 

Love?  You suggest that he "loves" this married woman?   Explain to me your definition of love then.  Respect?  For a married woman... yeah, ok, I sure see the respect he has for her.  Honesty?  Oh yeah, I can see honesty all over this "feeling" he has too.

Irregardless of personal feelings about whether or not marriage is necessary in today's society... it is FAR more than a social contract.  It is, in fact, a legal contract.  One that is based on committment and expectations of committment.

You need to love someone to stay committed or faithful???  How utterly contemptuous that is to everyone with a sense of HONOR.  Being "in love" or "out of love" does not give you the right to forsake your vows.  If you're out of love, get a divorce. 

How could you suggest that he loves this woman?  Based on what?  Has he lived with her... stood side by side in times of trouble with her?  Has he cared for her while she was sick... or been cared for by her? Have they raised children together in these god-awful times of fear and concern?  Have they laughed together... or cried together?

No.  I don't think this is love.  And even if it were, it's not honorable.


Souri the perpetual contrary

by Shocked (not verified) on

Souri Khanoom:

He said: "I have a crush on a married woman and she seems to like me a lot too-but we have never talked about it or had any inappropriate physical contact so to speak. What signs should I look for that would tell me it's okay to make a move? Is it worth all the potential trouble?"

I understand that as a married woman, you might really hate the idea that no other man may ever look at you or have a crush on you because you are "taken." Please know that men are checking out married women all the time, but this doesn't mean that they or those women are taking any action on this.

"Having a crush" doesn't mean love. These two people may be physically attracted to each other and that's all. Do you honestly think physical attraction to someone is worth the trouble of jeopardizing one's marriage?

Souri Khanoom. Don't judge me. Don't try to label or box me, either. I expressed an honest opinon based on a painful personal experience. Whether I am single or married right now has no bearing on how I see this man's dilemma. I wished I could say "sang moft, gonjeshk moft," to you and urge you to try what you are preaching, but I know the pain at the end of this little experimentation, so I won't. If you are unahppy with your marriage, leave your husband and have as many relationships as you want. If your marriage is worth staying in, do just that, stay in and be faithful, ignoring love, lust, crush, affair, or whatever you want to call it, with other men. Don't give bad advice to others, either.


To Shocked

by Souri on

I'm pretty sure you are "single".

The way you look at this subject, is the same way as my sister and all my single friends, males or females.

This is an eternal question, no matter for the Iranian, oriental or western culture.

My belief is, the marriage is not the end of a "Soul". Marriage is a human contract, while "love" is a human feeling.

Marriage, is really a social protocol, while love, is an individual human sentiment.

I don't agree with you that this man's question was purely about sex and having affair with the married woman in question. This is your pure suspicion, because (as a single man or woman, like Natalia) you do not see any other need for a man, falling in love with a married woman, while there are still so many fishes in the ocean !

But let me tell you that, love is all about something else. You don't need to be in love for marrying someone, or having sex with them. But you need to love someone to stay loyal and truthful to that special someone, whole your life, whether it is in a physical or platonic relationship.

This man's question is, how to deal with his burning feeling for that woman. I believe, if it wasn't all about love, there would be no problem for the man, going after his desire. After all, we live in a materialistic  world today where almost every material need has a big potential of being fulfilled.

This is the real love for that woman, which make this man, worrying about the situation. He doesn't want to hurt anybody, and he doesn't want to get hurt neither. This come from the respect he has for the other person and surely a sign of great love.

Kobra khanom's advice here, is neither "naive" nor "irresponsible".

It is only "objective" and realistic, giving the fact that, this phenomena has always existed in the world and repeats itself everyday, like it or not.

But all in all, I believe this is a "very personal" matter and very specific to every individual situation, not to generalize and not to compare with another similar situation.





by American Wife (not verified) on

Period.  There is no further discussion necessary. 



by Nadias on

 this guy only has a crush on the woman. So many single women and he has to be interested in a married one. Sounds fishy to me. If he wanted a real committed relationship then he would get involved with a woman that was free to have such a relationship with

He sounds like a player

Is it worth the potential trouble? I found this statement amusing. What potential trouble. There is going to be hell to pay. There always is

I really think that he should forget about the married woman and find one of those single fishes in the ocean that Souri mentioned on the post above mine.

solh va doosti/paz a vosotros/paix et amitié





You only live once

by AnonymousTheMrs (not verified) on

In this situation, only the following rules apply:

- Consent (but of course!)
- Discretion (it's a must)
- Protection (need I say more?)

All other "friends with benefits" regulations applies too.

- Don't spend time together (no dates)
- Try no to see each other during the day
- Don't share private/emotional information

But buyer be aware! Someone will ALWAYS get hurt. Who? It remains to be seen. So proceed with caution and only if you think the end will be worth the ride.

Thanks for a nice laugh Kobra joon.


Can't believe it!

by Shocked (not verified) on

I can't believe this advice! People who are in a relationship, especially one as serious as a marriage, are not good targets for a new relationship, not until they have finished with what's on their plate. Any which way you look at it, it's a mess. Everyone involved gets hurt, including you. There is no set of circumstances under which you can "go for it." Getting your rocks off a few times is all you get. Is it worth all the lies, cover-ups, betrayals, and hurt? No No No. Don't do it. Walk away. Don't listen to Kobra, either.

Kobra Khanoom: Nowhere in his question did this man refer to children or a desire to get married or settle down with the woman in question. He just wants to have sex with her. You spent the best part of your post talking about children, treating the question as a "khastegari" of the married woman! It isn't. He is receiving some signals and he is sending some and he wants to know if it's o.k. to screw this woman. Have you ever had an affair? Have you ever had a best friend who did? It's a mess which is not worth even the most explosive of sex scenes. We have had to watch others suffer through similar scenarios in the past and we know that nothing good ever comes from this, and I am not talking about it on moral grounds, but purely practical ones. A person who leaves one living and ongoing relationship, is not fit to have another for years to come. How can you even suggest this guy think about settling down and 'adopting' this woman's underage children when all the two of them seem to want from the short description is sex? They will be so miserable so fast, you will be ashamed to have even contemplated a relationship for them.

What's with you? You want to be the wise Iranian woman of the 21st century? You want to leave taboos and cultural hangups behind? That's all fine and dandy. But please be more responsible and practical in dispensing advice. Even if you want to act like a liberated woman, free of cultural and religious and moral constraints, you would at least need to be wise and pragmatic with your advice. An affair is horrible, awful, demeaning, hurtful, and just a mess. Never encourage anyone to walk into one, especially when they were wise enough to stop the madness and write a note to someone asking for advice on whether or not to do it. I am shocked at your level of naivete and irresponsibility.