Iranians in Psychotherapy

"would it make any difference in your opinion...."

not one iota!

i see now that you're not a companion to her but a project...LOL.

good luck to both of you!

A brick wall?!

To Anonymous Fish:

In your rush to judgment about a woman that you don't know nothing about other than what I wrote about her here, would it make any difference in your opinion if you knew this woman that you so harshly criticized has a Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management , and she works as a supervisor in Department of Human Resources in a major metropolitan international airport, a person who in her daily work routinely deals with many cases involving employees behavioral problems, and she has attended many training classes relating to human behavior?

May peace be upon you too,

BDM

wow... you ARE bitter, aren't you...:-)

first of all, i don't think she is trying to give advice but rather to explore some pretty obvious problems.

secondly, with all due respect, i don't think you should be dating AT ALL.  you simply MUST resolve your bitterness before joining the dating game!

the LAST person you should be sharing your bitter experiences with is a new person in your life.  yes, you SHOULD be talking to ANYONE else.  a counselor, a trusted friend.  i don't even think a family member is the right person.  it's for sure YOU are not completely innocent and without some share of the blame.  there is no such thing as one-sided blame.  your family is going to be too subjective to your point of view.  why should a new partner have to share your bitter feelings?  shouldn't you go into a new relationship with a fresh and renewed vision... open to love without pain?

why spend time and money driving innocent victims of your rage out "by the droves".

you say you "found such a woman".  you haven't found a WOMAN.  you've found a brick wall that has nothing better to do than to listen to you rage on.  she obviously has nothing in HER life better to do.  you "don't feel any emotional attachment"??????  then what the hell are you doing with her besides wasting her time and yours.  i'm not sure who i feel sorriest for... her or you. 

listen.  i'm not judging you.  i have no idea what happened.  maybe your wife was the demon from hell.  but again, she's not the only one to blame her.  you need to resolve your bitterness and pain and become whole again before seeking a partner.

i wish you all the best... i'm sure you're a great person underneath all this bitterness!!!!

peace out. 

Internet Dating

Dear Charles your question is a broad one, but I will answer the best I can.  The most important issue that needs attention is to be clear about your motivation/goal.  Do you want to date, because you are in a good place in your life and want to share it with someone or you want to date because you are lonely, unhappy and need someone to make it all better ? If you are single and happy then you can go ahead and try to find that special someone who can hopefully  make your life even more fulfilling.

The second important question is  "Why online dating?". 

If you have the answers to these two questions then I suggest the following:

1)Provide basic information.

2)Be honest about your weaknesses without putting yourself down.

3)Be open about your strengths without bragging.

4)Be curious about the person you are trying to connect with without being pushy.  Respect the emotional boundries.

5)If you feel that there is mutual interest then you can move forward to the next phase. 

I have recommended a book to my single clients and many of them really liked it.  The name is:  Be Your Own Dating Service .  The author's name is Nina Atwood.  I hope you find it helpful too.   

Bitter Divorced Man..

I agree with you, it is better to talk about your ex, be open and truthful. To put a happy mask on and pretend you are over your divorce when you are not is to start a relationship with a lie.
On a separate note, can you be a bit more understanding of Mrs. Dadvar? She clearly has good intentions. I don’t see any other professionals on this site reaching out and sharing their expertise free. Think about it! Just for that, you need to respect her.
Good luck with your friend :-)

Good tips

Good tips for dating.

Any for Lesson for online dating ?

Dating Lesson

Dear Anonymous Fish, obsessions are usually a sing of severe anxiety especially if they are combined with compulsions. A good example is someone who is constantly thinking about cleanliness (obsession) and keeps on cleanning (compulsion).  Any person who  is constantly thinking about an ex and is constantly talking about him/her has probably a lot of anxiety and is trying to ease the anxiety by his/her obsessive compulsive behaviors.

• Feel free to post your questions about this very important issue.  I will respond ASAP. 
• I also appreciate your stories about dating and dating lessons. Let us know.  

Dating lesson by Mulla Nasreddin?!!!

Once again you’re giving the wrong advice, and the story of Mulla Nasreddin DOES NOT make any sense in regard to dating, and worse than that your blog does not make any sense either.

“There was a time when dating was fun and exciting…blah blah blah…Many singles think of dating as, a painful process…blah blah blah…” Since when dating is not “fun and exciting” anymore? As far as I know many teenagers and young adults still go on fun and exciting dates everyday and they have lots of fun and lot of excitements, and they don’t look at it as anything painful. But, without saying, this blog is written for some people who are going through a painful divorce, and as such it should’ve began by saying something like this; “There was a time when dating was fun and exciting, but unfortunately for some divorced people, things have changed…blah blah blah…”. And then go on and explain what has changed and how was it before and how it is now.

So now let’s analyze the story; it is not about DATING, as it is evident that Mulla Nasreddin is not DATING his WIFE, since they are already married and are in bed. If he had a problem with his would-be-future-wife talking about her Ex he should have brought it up when they were DATING, but what does he do? He waits till they are married to make a fuss about it, by being PHYSICALLY abusive, with an action that I believe psychologists call delayed hostility.

So, let me give you my personal un-PhD opinion about painfully-divorced-people who are in a DATING process; talk about your Ex till you drop, until you get it out of your system, and THEN you’ll be fine. Who else are you supposed to talk to if not your date? Your mother? Your pychologist? Who? Talking to no one out there about this issue is as effective as talking to a date that you might be interested in. Yeah, a lot of your dates will abandon you right away, by droves, but that’s all good, it’s better for you not to be together than one day one of you shoves the other one out of the bed when you’re married.

At the end one day will come that you won’t be so emotional about talking about your Ex anymore. At the end someone will come along that will listen to you and will understand that REAL people go through confusing stages for awhile after their divorce, uill they find their bearings again. Real people go through unresolved issues with their Ex that will linger on for awhile, and if you are not willing to talk about it because you’re still screwed up, and your date doesn’t want to listen to you because he/she has no tolerance for this kind of stuff, well then you better find out now while you’re DATING, and not later when you're married.

For your information I’ve found such a woman, not that I inundated her with all there was to be known about my Ex, I did that with others, but whatever I told this woman she did not give me any crap about it, so one day I asked her, I tell you all these terrible things and you listen to me, you don’t judge me, you don’t advise me, and you haven’t left me yet, why is that? She said, how else am I supposed to know about you if I don’t let you talk about what’s on your mind? You see, that’s wisdom. There are people like that out there who don’t look for perfection, who understand that in the real world people get hurt and they need to talk about their pain, and if you give them a chance there might be sweet nectarine underneath all that bitter skin.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with this woman and me, since I don’t feel any emotional attachment to her, but I know she is not one of those phony women who wants the perfect man, with the perfect body, with the perfect Mercedes, with the perfect bank account, and without a baggage.

yes, i think it would be pretty normal

for new spouses to have SOME curiosity about an ex but it's a fine line between satisfying some latent jealousy or insecurity and becoming obsessed with an ex.

as always... COMMUNICATION is the key.  have mutual expectations of what you're willing to reveal AND have revealed TO you. 

but you nailed it... anger is the number one culprit.  how better to hurt your partner than to compare or BE compared to an ex.

malek.  i totally agree.  i've always said my ex was a good man and a good father... simply not good husband material.  it serves NO ones interests to denigrate someone who was such a part of your life at one time.

very interesting.  thank  you.

Dating Lesson

• Dear Anonymous Fish and Malek-Shoara, thanks for your comments.  Yes this can turn into a really serious issue if couples do not handel it properly.  The reason I used this story  is becasue people do not remember advice, but they remember stories, especially a funny one by Mulla.
• Usually, people react with intense anger, jealousy, and withdrawl from marital relationship, when their spouse talk abut their ex. So, it can be very damaging and destructive. 
• Why people do it ?  Well there are many reasons.  Some do it intentioanlly because they do want to provoke jealousy and get attention.  Others might feel angry and victimized by their ex and need to vent.   Some may do it unintentionally.  This one is more complicated and needs a lengthy response. And some do it because they are actually pressured into talking about their ex . 
• As I said the best way is to be brief, factual and objective. Do not let your spouse force you into talking about your ex.  Instead be curious about the motivation/reasons behind the questions.     

Very nice

After 8 years of living alone,i never remember talking about my ex and if I have been asked by some one always talked a few words,she was very nice lady,very good mother,but we have not get along well.

i really don,t understand why we should talk about our ex it is passed,

Thank you

funny!!!

funny but a pretty interesting and serious subject all the none.  when two people remarry, it's difficult to "toe the line" in mentioning the ex-spouse.  i doubt ANY second marriage has completely avoided the accidental "wrong name" situation.  you think "whats the big deal" when YOU do it but damn... when it happens to YOU... you feel the world has come to an end.  a very interesting subject Mina.  i hope this generates some interest.  it could be very helpful to those second-timers.

thank you!