Multiple Personality Disorder

Elections are unnatural man-made disasters, particularly in volatile regions of the world such as Iran. They are very real and dangerous, and each year hundreds of people are killed during an election event.  The next presidential election disaster in Iran is scheduled for June 12, 2009.  There are several things you can do to prepare yourself for an election disaster before it happens.

If you can survive the first 72 hours of an election disaster the chances of you surviving the rest of the year, till the next election, is greatly enhanced.  If you prepare yourself now you will thank yourself later.

Educate yourself and your family members about the worse candidates.  They are the ones that cause most of the damage.

Buy two dozen condoms in preparation for being fucked really good by election results.

Try to develop routes and methods for getting home after an election disaster has occurred. Since there is no precise time of day when an election disaster might strike, you may be at work, at school, on a bus, or in a subway when basijis might strikes you. It is very likely that you will need to know several ways to get home since roads will most likely be blocked at check points for long periods of time.

A large supply of first aid kit is a must for treatment of your wounds from being beaten up by the basijis.  

Put your election disaster supplies in a central location in the house where any member of your family could easily access it to attend to your wounds.

Tell your family members about the best place to go during an election and what they can do if you are incapacitated.  

Children should know how to survive in case you don’t make it back any time you go outside during an election day.

Iranian-made battery-operated flashlights are worthless in most cases.  Find a good faanoos’e nafti and make sure enough naft toosheh.

Portable battery-operated radios are a good idea but once again Iranian-made batteries are worthless.

If possible find self-powered radios and flashlights.

If you have cell phones, make sure their batteries are always charged, and have some extra batteries.

Make sure you have a lot of candles.

Keep 2 weeks worth of food and water in case there is an aftermath of election day disaster.  noon’e lavash lasts longer than sangaki or barbari, but it has to be wrapped good.  Grow some sabzi in your house, and survive for two weeks on noon’o panir’o sabzi.  Keep a lot of water in your hamoom.

A good set of knives for protection.

Have a large amount of cash stashed away in your house in case you have to escape to Turkey.

Learn rudimentary sign language to communicate with members of your family in crowded streets.

Have a plan to meet your family members in a central location in case you are separated.

Ask an out-of-country family member or friend to serve as a central contact. Make sure everyone memorizes this person's phone number. Do not count on having the number on a piece of paper.

Be concern about yourself and your immediate members of your family only, the hell with the others.

Confusion is the first thing after an election. Eliminate confusion by not believing a single word you hear after an election.

If at all possible, avoid staying near polling places.

In case of an election disaster turn off all the lights in your house and use your candles or faanoos’e nafti.

Consider keeping a knife under your bed before, during, and after the election, and the rest of your life.

Put your sturdiest running shoes for each member of your family by the exist door.

It doesn’t hurt to be prepared.