Multiple Personality Disorder

A transcript of a senior staff meeting in the White House has been leaked to underground blogsphere.  Meanwhile the White House officials remain mum about the validity of the transcript, possibly because according to unsubstantiated reports, recording of the conversation also exists.  The following is a part of what is claimed to be the conversion between the President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama, code named OB1 in the transcript, and the U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Rodman Clinton, the wife of former President Bill Clinton, code named Hill Billy:
 
Hill Billy: The Saudis are demanding that you bow to their King.
OB1:  Why?
Hill Billy:  They won’t agree unless you bow.  We want to isolate the Iranians, and they know it, and they want to look good in the Islamic world, so they want you to bow to him.
OB1:  Is this from his handlers, or is it coming from the King himself?
Hill Billy:  No sir, that’s coming directly from the King himself, through his handler.  The handler said, that’s what the King wants.
OB1:  Can we trust his handler?
Hill Billy:  Yes sir.  They won’t dare to misquote the King or they lose their heads.
OB1:  This is ridiculous!  Do we know whether any president has ever bowed to any king before, or am I going to be the first one?
Hill Billy:  Yes sir,…we know.  No one has ever done it; you’ll be the first.
OB1:  How do you know?
Hill Billy:  We’ve already researched it.  We consulted the best historians we know.  It has never happened before.
OB1:  What about your husband?  He bowed to the Emperor of Japan, didn’t he?
Hill Billy:  Noooo siryyyy Bob.  That was not a bow.
OB1:  Yeah, he bowed.
Hill Billy:  No sir, that was not a bow.  Some people called it a bow, some called it a near-bow, half-bow, but I don’t think so.  He bowed to Monica, but not to the Emperor.
OB1:  Can I do a half-bow, or a near-bow?
Hill Billy:  No sir, they want a full bow.
OB1:  How do you know?
Hill Billy:  They said.  They said none of that half a bow stuff.  They said they want a full bow.  It’s very clear sir, they don’t want falling on the ground and foot kissing, they don’t want hand kissing, they don’t want cheek kissing, they want a full bow.
OB1:  What’s up with bowing with these people?  Don’t they know I’m the President of the United States of America?
Hill Billy:  Yes sir, they do, that’s why they want it.  They want submission.  They got us by the balls, well, I don’t have any balls, but they got you by the balls and they want a submissive bow.  It’s their way of saying they got us by the balls.
OB1:  Is there any other way around it?  I mean this is ridiculous.  First time in the history of this country we have a black man in the White House and they want me to bow to them?!
Hill Billy:  Yes sir, they want the HNIC to bow to them.
OB1:  You must be kidding me!  I’ll show them who the HNIC is.  We’ll just nuke them to smithereens.  Who is our General over there?  I want to see what it takes to take over that whole Goddamn country.
Hill Billy:  You’re angry sir.  You’re just angry because they think you’re the HNIC, and now you’re talking nonsense, sir.  We’re not going to invade anyone.  We can’t even defeat the Talibans.  We’re knee deep in shit in Iraq, and you’re mad because they want you to bow to them, and now you’re talking nonsense.  The time for war has come and gone, sir.  They got us by the balls.  We have to borrow money from China to feed our people, and economy is in shit, and no one, I mean no one in the world respects us, and you want to invade them because they want you to bow to them?!  Are you out of you mind?  Sir.
OB1:  Alright, alright.  I get it.
 
There is silence for a few second and then OB1 speaks again.
 
OB1:  How about the Israelis, can they invade them?
Hill Billy:  Sir, believe me I want to invade, but you need to forget about an invasion and focus on the bow.  Israelis can’t even defeat Hamas.  Do you think they’ll take over the whole Saudi Arabia so you won’t have to bow to the King?!  And if they do, what would that do?  There will be more wars and conflicts,…and who knows what,…and then another day you have to bow to another king.  Is that what you want?  Is that why you became the President?  There was a reason you got elected and I didn’t.  You wanted peace and here is your chance.  It’s like they say, be careful what you wish for because you might get it, so here is your chance for peace.  Bow to the King and he will cooperate with us in isolating the Iranians, and we will work with the Syrians to further isolate them, and we get the Russians to cooperate, and everything falls in place, and we might have peace in the Middle East.
OB1:  Iranians won’t cooperate.  They’re too stubborn.  I sent them Nowruz greetings and they give me crap.
Hill Billy:  That’s the way they are, sir.  They play hard to get, but at the end they will come along.  Selling carpet is in their blood.  They are genetically programmed that way.
OB1:  No they are not.  I don’t like this carpet merchant analogy.  They’re nuts about Mossadegh, and look what he did.  They don’t give up.  They rather die than give up.  And this Ahmadinejad is worse than Mossadegh.  He said he wouldn’t give up an iota, nothing, zilch.
 
Silence pervades again and finally Hill Billy speaks again.
 
Hill Billy:  Are you done, Mr. President?  You told me to speak freely, so now I am trying to speak freely.  Ahmadinejad is nothing…
OB1:  I know that.  Don’t you think I know that?  But he says those things because that’s how they think?  All of them.
Hill Billy:  Are you done, sir?  You said speak freely, so here it is; bow, bow, bow.  And we’ll deny it later.  We’ll say you sneezed while you were reaching out to shake his hand, and you bent a little when you sneezed.
OB1:  Sneezed?!  Is this the best deniability strategy you can come up with?  I sneezed?!  Ridiculous!  It’s ridiculous!  What else have you got?  Can we clear the room before I bow?
Hill Billy:  It’s a photo shoot, sir.  They want photos of you bowing.
OB1:  Can I say I ducked?  I’ll say I thought someone was throwing a shoe at me.  What’s his name, the reporter, is he still around?  Do we know someone like him we can get in there, and say he was going to throw a shoe at me and I ducked?
Hill Billy:  Sir, please be rational!  Those people in there will be checked a hundred times to make sure they don’t have shoe throwing tendencies.  You’re not going to Iraq, sir.
OB1:  Speaking of shoes, I got an idea.  Get me some platform shoes; I’ll make myself even taller than what I am.  You know, like the basketball players.  I’ve seen them, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Walt chamberlain, Bill Russell; I’ve seen them when they shake hands with little people, and they bend down to shake hands with short guys.  Do we know how tall the King is?  We’ll say I reached down to shake his hand because I’m tall.  Make sure you don’t say the King is short.  We’ll say I am tall and I reached down to shake his hand, and that wasn’t a bow.  That’s it.  O.K. what’s next on the agenda?