A depressed shark!

by Rendd

I like to write the story of my life on air,

Maybe because I am now deprived of both, life and the air,


My strokes get more harmonious after the first twenty laps

It seems the older I grow the more I look like the champs?


Head down, head up, then down and up again until I get numb

Craving hope in the ceiling back down I look dumb


My mind is imprisoned in the vicious cycle of repetitions

My soul’s struggle rather looks like wasteful alterations


I like to end it here, where it all started

Where I swam all the nine months in the peaceful fluid


Now my strokes are weaker so is my living motivation

I am starting to enjoy my air depravation


So I am sinking in, giving the life back to its source

I am lost in the enjoyment of dying, anonymous


I am in peace with death, I have a love affair with her face

I want to give her a kiss that sucks the air from my roots to the surface


As I am getting closer to her, the kid in me is going crazy

He is dragging me back, begging me to stay


His innocent eyes are full of water

His heart is about to come out of his chest


Now I am in hell, sitting in between, wondering where should I head?

My end is steps away, my beginning is pulling my shirt


This time when I looked up I saw farther than the ceiling

I don’t dare to say what, because I no more trust in believing


I looked away back to the bottom of the pool,

but now I heard it, laud and clear in my ears


Va ja-alna menal mae-e kollo shay-en hay!

We revived everything from the tears


Rendd, Winter of 09


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by Rendd on

Thanks for your kind words. There is no word to describe your beautiful soul that spreads kindness and love. I have been drinking your words, here or your blog, drop by drop at the times that I was in the middle of my hell burning and begging for water.

I am geographically and emotionally alone and that makes thing much tougher. As Americans say if it doesn’t kill you it’ll make you stronger! I am hoping I can also pull through this one. For now I am just splashing words.   Loved the picture you depicted by your words. I could see myself there in Caribbean sun. That’s what Paul Gauguin did after his hell. For now I can’t see that far beyond the line of fire in front of me. It’s thicker than letting me see through. We’ll see what future will hold.

Molana has a beautiful expression for it. He says as long as you are swimming on top of the water the water doesn’t like you. It wants to pull you down and you spend so much energy to resist that pull (the life’s constant struggle), but he says as soon as you give it in and you die (meaning surrendering to the will of the higher power, in new age fashion meaning being cool and mellow to the life’s harsh interactions) then the sea let you rid on the top and takes you places (that transition is scary).  

I am still swimming and still don’t want to give out my will, my character, my selfishness yet. But hey we all love cool people don’t we?



by Rendd on


Thanks for the comment. I am usually smiley and I am getting some it back. It is sad that how soon we forget all about our sadnesses and what caused them in the first place. That's a pitfall for repeating them again and getting hurt again. I cherish my sadness because I don't want to repeat its cause again.

So I go back and  dissect all my memories piece by piece to find out what went worng and how much I am responsible for it. I want to keep this fire inside of me alive. I treat it as a gift that is burning me from inside turinging things to ashes.

It shall regrow stronger and greener on top of the ashes. I hope! :O)


P.S. I didn't cut n paste, it's my own first draft of sh*t as Hemingway put it that way.  :O)


Nazy Kaviani

Why so sad?

by Nazy Kaviani on

Dear Rendd:

You sound just like me when I'm "feeling too much!"

Your life is beautiful for the joy you have been able to share with others. You shared it with me at least twice!

Keep on swimming forward and reach a beautiful shore where you can lie in the sun, listen to the soft waves overlapping each other, and sip an exotic drink (don't forget the little umbrella on the pineapple on the side of your glass), and forget about the rest of the world (my idea of heaven on earth).

Thank you for sharing all that you felt. Your poem is beautiful.



by cut.in.paste on

Hopefully this is only a poem, and your real spirit is different than this exquisite but sad writing.


. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away. 

. However good or bad a situation is, it gets easier with time.

. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about

. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!)

.Realize that life is a school and we are here to learn & live. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and might fade away like algebra

. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.