a different kind of death

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a different kind of death
by rosie is roxy is roshan
13-May-2009
 

at times over the past year, i'd thought about writing a blog called khod koshi. and since the topic just came up, i thought i'd at least post this poem i wrote on the subject. the majority of suicides fail. you have to really know what you're doing. i very rarely do, and i have observed that generally speaking neither do most people. there is a moment when you experience what we usually mean by death, but afterwards there is a different kind of death. i will dedicate this to two people here. one of them i want to say, thanks for the clam chowder. we'll do it again one day. the way up is the way down (the fragments of heraklitus of ephesos).

 

 

vermillion 

 

the bloodline of the roses has pledged me unto life

--forough, translation mine**

 

  

 

 

and the white bathroom walls

were burgundy and crimson

red red red  

the white bathroom walls

I never dreamed

it would splatter like a geyser

like the martyrs’ fountain

of mashad

i saw once

in a book of photos

red red red

the waters of mashad

 

   

and then in the hospital

calm as a womb

they were white white white

the hospital walls

so I never thought

about those red bathroom walls

instead

I did crossword puzzles

 

 

it is good to exercise the mind in the hospital

it is best not to think at all

 

 

and I never dreamed

walls could be so white

and I never dreamed

life could be so death

every day

rolling into the next

like an endless stream without stones

 

and I never dreamed

one could live without time

empty and still

as a zen master

 

timeless and empty as time

 

 

 

and the empty food

and the white walls empty

and the doctors empty

 and the bandages empty 

and me too empty

white as a japanese funeral

   

 

and then somehow suddenly 

I’d have to rush to the bathroom

and close the white door

that had no knobs

and whack myself silly

imagining you

the you you’d never shown me

the you I’d never known

opening places in me

where I’d never gone

 

 

and I never dreamed

how blue imagination

and crimson desire

could become so enflamed

within four white walls

of nothingness

 

 

 

and then I’d return to my crossword puzzles. 

 

***

  

 

She was only thirty two

when she crashed into the wall

it was burgundy and red

on the car and the wall

 

she was crimson and vermillion

like a briiliant bird

 

she was not black like the crow of najaf

 

and

there were only thirty birds

but they all made one large bird

and then the large bird’s reflection

so that makes thirty two

and jesus too they say

was about thirty three

(so that's close enough)

when he was burgundy wine on the cross

 

what is it about that number

 

 

 

well I’m no martyr

although I tried

I’m no mashad

and I’m no jesus either

 

 

but I think one day

if I try

I just may find  the simorgh

the vermillion heart of simorgh

 

 

(I think I am in love with that number)

  

 

 

 

 

it had been calm as a white womb

within the hospital walls

white as a japanese funeral

timeless and empty as time 

 

 

and I never dreamed

that when I emerged

into the first kiss of  wind

iand all the cars honking

and all the people hurrying

and all the traffic lights

 

there would be colors

colors everywhere

 

streams filled with multicolored stones

 

 

bright bright blue

oh waters of life

   

 

it is the bloodline of the roses

that shall render me crimson

it is fire and flame

that shall pledge me unto life

  

 

 

life life life

 

vermillion

 

 

________________________

 

//newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/45728000/jpg/_45728692_darabi_020.jpg

 

** //iranian.com/main/2007/forough-and-me

 

 

 

 

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more from rosie is roxy is roshan
 
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Hi Rosie jan,

by sh (not verified) on

I hope things are fine with you. I have read other blogs which you wrote after this one, also CRIMSON RED (Ashk) by Natalia, plus your last comment on it.

Couple of things:
I don’t know what kind of interaction you had with JJ, and I really don’t care. My statement as talking on behalf of somebody was the sense of attitude/gratitude which I felt was missing towards you, so as a reader I tried to express it.

As a reader of your blogs, gradually, I have grasped some understanding of your judgment and depth of your work. I only say this – You have a beautiful, caring heart and it is an honor and privilege to know you. There are so many dimensions to any human being; yours are superior to most of us. So smile and be proud of yourself, and never let anything or anybody brings you down.

I was reading your long comment on CRIMSON RED. It is great if you have some research or collective understanding of the topics which could be explained to readers. But no need to answer any personal question to "how could why would etc..." Your personal life is yours, is not anybody’s business to interfere or make judgment about. Say this as my grown up son is saying "I am who I am, take it or leave it", so ignore those people who can’t take it.

One more thing, if by any means you need a friend who stands by you and care for you as does for her grown up kids, I am for it . I have a facebook account with un-real name (Ayda Rahimi) in San Fransisco, CA - but the picture is real :). I extend my friendship hand, if you wish, send me a message, we can talk privately from there.
Be strong & stay happy :)


rosie is roxy is roshan

well i'veb een thinking about it and i just wanted to say

by rosie is roxy is roshan on

that i decided the post below is for something else i'm working on so it shouldn't necessarily be clicked for the links but if you want to it's what i consider to be my best unfeatured work of the past year, one half of my highly feature-worthy work having been unfeatured.

so i wanted to say some o things.. to reza, this was my place to do my work for others. i gave my heart and soul here but i was not allowed to be myself and do my work. i simply was not allowed. when i first came here i helped a lot of people, i truly did, but after that i couldn't anymore. so that's what i wanted to say to you.i have to move on now.i can't stay here under these conditions. it's pointless.

moving along. shekar the forough poem is amazing. it is so similar in themes to my own. forough attempted suicide once, temperamentally we are very similar in many ways. it was the poem tanhaa sedaa ast keh mimundad among a few other things that made me fall in love with iran several years ago and i decided to learn persian so i could translate it and i didm and the link to the translation is there, under vermillion because the quote and the last lines are taken from that translation. i was able to do it because i used an existing translation as a skeleton, it was very poor, it was not poetic, but adequate as the skeleton. and because i am a linguist i was able to do my own translation after about half a year of studying persian intensively. i had no help. i was very proud of myself.

btw ahmad karimi hakak and i used to be a little friendly.he wanted to mentor my work but somehow things just never worked out with iran and me no matter how hard i tried. it's been six years. and they just don't work out no matter how hard i try....

nazy well you and i are in touch offsite you know the score.

and the goldfish. i'mvery very grateful for your words, I wonder if you can imagine how much. But you stuck a knife into my soul  when when you said you speak on behalf of jj.

So if it's true and your words really are from "jj",please tell Jahanshah that I don't want anyrhing from him. Not until he understands. 

________________________

anyway i shall be wrapping things up and intend to leave here and never come back as of monday. posting this poem and the blog i posted today are part of wrapping up. i'll be finished by monday.

i'll be finished by monday.

robin


rosie is roxy is roshan

I did not post the last post to be read yet,

by rosie is roxy is roshan on

it is not finished, and I hope the people on the thread will come back to it, especially the fish. It should be done by tonight.


rosie is roxy is roshan

wait

by rosie is roxy is roshan on

 

 

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/nazi-state-israel-state-mind-part-i-hiroshima-1

 

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/nation

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/i-believe-internet-q

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/i-want-ride-bicycle-park-north-tehran 

(this link may not work but you can get the blog i Want to Ride a Bicycle in a Park in North Tehrn through the rosie t. account. this blog was highly topical when written and I truly believe it is one of my very very best).

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/little-sparrow

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/hope

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-roxy-roshan/what-hamas

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/hyperborea

 

//iranian.com/main/blog/rosie-t/our-google-ratings

 

x

 

 

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i believe internet

 

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

h

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Rosie Khanoome Gol,

by sh (not verified) on



You are an extra-ordinally, caring individual whose your profound contribution is all over Iranian.com, please accept our gratitude and appreciation (this part is on behalf of agha JJ).

Now hear from me (Oldie-woman) - Nazanin, why should you care about, how simple minded people think about you. You have so many qualities and attributes which are lost to others if are not able to recognize them. Please repeat following statement before going to bed every night , and each morning before moving around ( this has been my own self prescribed recipe for past couple of decades):
I am strong; nothing and nobody could break me down. I challenge all difficulties and miseries which come in my way .Nobody and nothing could break me down. Hear me God, nobody, even you, could not break me down.

Ok Rosie jan at the end, you send some Salavat (Islamic prayer) j/k :).
Take of yourself nazanin Rosie.
Your friend-sh


anonymous fish

my very dear roiban!

by anonymous fish on

you're only just now realizing that?  :-)

don't waste your valuable time and considerable talents worrying about some people.  you've touched too many lives to be concerned.  nazy really said it all.


rosie is roxy is roshan

ruthlessness

by rosie is roxy is roshan on

 Ijust thought of something which obviously doesn't incolve anyone here on this thread, Atually it would be very funny if it weren't so sad. The thing is I know there are people here who feel this blog confirms  that they have been "right" about me all along, that I am unstable, self-destructive, and so forth. In other words that there is something fundmentally wrong with me which renders all my contributions here in some sense defective hence largely meaningless (which they knew all along...)

The "funny" part is that if it were someone  who they felt close to, whether offsite or on, they'd be sitting there for weeks on end telling the person there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. it's just that you're so deep, so profound,(which I knew all along). and it makes all your contributions here all the more meaningful.. 

Aren't people funny? hahaha.


rosie is roxy is roshan

Some things I'we wanted to say ever since I saw your post ps AF

by rosie is roxy is roshan on

Reza, but I didn't quite know how. As you guys'posts came it became clearer,.Maybe new posts will come , maybe not, either way I will try to say them when the blog reaches the bottom of the page. The one thing I can say for now is that I am very grateful for your posts. They mean so much to me as I am sure you know

ps AF, your post wasn't there when I posted this one.Ask.Don't be afraid. It is better to understand it. Then you won't be afraid. I am not afraid anymore because I undertand.Ask me.Don't be afraid.It is better to understand it. Then you won't be afraid. I am not afraid anymore because I undertand.


anonymous fish

shook me

by anonymous fish on

i keep coming back to your blog.  i don't want to.  i don't want to read your words over and over.  i don't want to venture that much further into a world that frightens me.  but i do.  even after so many years, there are still so many questions left unanswered.  that is what i hate most about suicide.  the hell that it leaves in it's passing.  i think what i'm most afraid of...is... understanding.


Shekar

Later On

by Shekar on

Later On 

My death will come someday to me
One day in spring, bright and lovely
One winter day, dusty, distant
One empty autumn day, devoid of joy.

My death will come someday to me
One bittersweet day, like all my days
One hollow day like the one past
Shadow of today or of tomorrow.

My eyes tune to half dark hallways
My cheeks resemble cold, pale marble
Suddenly sleep creeps over me
I become empty of all painful cries.

Slowly my hands slide o’er my notes
Delivered from poetry’s spell,
I recall that once in my hands
I held the flaming blood of poetry.

The earth invites me into its arms,
Folks gather to entomb me there
Perhaps at midnight my lovers
Place above me wreaths of many roses.

Forough Farrokhzad, translated by Ahmad Karimi-Hakkak

 

Thank you for your poem, Rosie.


Nazy Kaviani

Dear Roshan:

by Nazy Kaviani on

Thank you for your heartfelt blog and your gripping poem. I read it last year and then another time since, and each time it has disarmed me with its honesty and will to live.

Life is complicated and our decisions, even as they are unfolding and not yet in the safe distance of retrospect, are sometimes the best things we feel we can do. I used to live with regrets when I was younger and one day I realized how much of my energy was sapped each time I regretted a decision. I stopped the regret business and instead, started devoting my energies to here and now and doing my best with whatever is handed to me. I have never gone back, because I think I have finally figured out what suits me best in life, here and now and hope.

I thank you for being brave enough to share this moving poem with us. Many people wouldn't. This is only one of the ways in which you are different and special, Roshan. Only one of them.

Thank you for the gift of honesty and self expression, your lasting trademark on many corners and walls of this website.

P.S. I am toiling away on a story on my relationships series which briefly touches on closures and such. It is someone else's story but reading it, you might see the similarities in all of our lives. I hope to be able to finish it soon.


Reza 41

Dear Rosie,incase you'r counting

by Reza 41 on

Dear Rosie,

 while you are counting and talking about different kind of dying, there are many badly sick in hospital bed dreaming and counting how many way they could live if they could get another chance. let count how many way we can live if we were them.

peace

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3UTeiHYkE8&feature=PlayList&p=901F09C14B4BC244&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=44