You Know You Are NOT an Iranian When...
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You Know You Are NOT an Iranian When...
03-Jun-2008
or I Was A Khareji in Blogestaan
I was a khareji in Blogestaan. As some of you know, not long ago (but what is time in Blogestaan?) I was a regular voice on this site. And now the time has come to share with you some insights that I gleaned.
This blog will explore historical and political aspects of non-Iranianness on iranian.com. For a social and cultural perspective, please see HONEST HASSAN’s exhaustive study, “YOU KNOW YOU ARE IRANIAN WHEN…” Just add “Not” to the title, and “You don’t understand why anyone would” to each item. It is easy and fun to do. For example, Hassan writes: ”You know you are Iranian when you divorce your wife, but still don’t let her date anyone else.”
You read: “You know you are not Iranian when you don’t understand why anyone would divorce his wife, but still not let her date anyone else.”
Other substitutions are also possible. But enough about Hassan. Now on to me. YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT IRANIAN WHEN...
1) no matter how hard you try, you cannot find a shred of evidence to suggest that Persian civilization is 9000 years old.
2) you feel you should apologize for reciting the U.S. Post Office motto in the third grade without giving due credit, but you’re not quite sure how or where to begin.
3) you are still surprised when the same person who just raved about that 2500 year old cylinder as the paragon of Persian tolerance dismisses the Abbasids as an example of Islamic tolerance because it was a thousand years ago.
4) you figure that if some people say Islam came to Iran by bloody sword and others say 500 years of gradual acculturation, that the truth probably lies somewhere in-between.
5) you wish more people would say things like “Mongols, Tatars, Suez Canal” when bemoaning the demise of Persia and less things like “Arabs, Qajars, CIA”, if only for the sake of variety.
6) No matter how many millions of dollars he wasted, you will always have a soft spot for the Shah because of how glamorous that Life Magazine issue on the party at Persepolis seemed when you were twelve years old, and no amount of sensible reasoning can convince you it was cheesy.
7) you figure that if some people say the Shah was like Adolph Hitler and others say Mother Theresa, that the truth probably lies somewhere in-between.
8) you know the debates on Persia/Iran and Persian/Farsi are endless, excruciating and ultimately pointless, and you spend endless, excruciating hours trying to make your point.
9) you spell “Blogestaan” with two “a’s” out of a subconscious fear that if you don’t, something terrible is going to happen (but never Shaah, Iraan or Tajikistaan).
10) you keep on telling some people “Silence is consent” every time a minor gets hanged from a crane, and you keep on getting answered with silence, but not once have you felt the urge to say “IRI stooge” or “toady.”
11) no matter how much crap comes out of his mouth, you still find Ahmadinejad’s interview style entertaining (and anything but stupid).
12) you have a feeling that calling an American “khareji” on a California-based, English-language website just might be an oxymoron.
13) this has nothing at all to do with the topic, but 13 seems to have once been a lucky number under the 13-month lunar calendar, which was possibly related to the menstrual cycle, and supplanted by the 12-month solar one during the rise of patriarchy, and you know you are going to get creamed for mentioning this, and someone here is going to call you a“digressive, self-promoting intellectual dilettante,” which you suspect may be code for “patronizing neo-Colonialist missionary”, which you knew you were going to get called anyway (but at least no one ever patronized you here and that meant so much more… ;o)
14) no matter how many people immolate themselves for her, for you Maryam Rajavi will always be the Coco Chanel of the Desert.
15) a popular featured writer on iranian.com once called you “Our Rosie”, and you don’t know if he remembers, but you will love him till the day you die.
_____________
(PS I couldn’t help but notice on the home page that my name is now shared by a dog. How serendipitous…but I believe that that Rosie is an Iranian dog).
| Recently by Rosie T. | Comments | Date |
|---|---|---|
| guess who | 8 | Aug 19, 2008 |
| what is the color of love | 10 | Aug 17, 2008 |
| Our Generation (for nazy kaviani) | 3 | Aug 15, 2008 |
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Rosie, rosie, rosie
by Anonymouse on Thu Jun 05, 2008 05:58 AM PDTI criticized you harshly and asked you not to reply because you were telling me an other Iranians on how to talk to each other. I take great offense in that and will always criticize harshly non-Iranians who come to this website and tell us these things.
We have a saying in Farsi that "Bawd-e yek omr geda-yee shab-e jom-eh yademon rafte?" which means after a life long of begging have we forgotten Friday night? Friday night being the holiday and the night people give most to beggers.
I usually do the criticism once but may have done it more than once with you. I think on one occasion I told you you sound like you are telling us you are either with us or against us and I think last time when you sounded like you are trying to teach us Christianity to African slaves in America.
I know you don't really have these kind of outlooks (probablty not :-) but when you tell us how to talk to each other, like we were born yesterday, then I'm gonna say it, it doesn't mattter if you mean it or not.
I did not get offended by this blog and my comments were not geared towards you.
Midwesty, should you ever cross this way again...
by Rosie T. on Wed Jun 04, 2008 09:34 PM PDTjust one last thing...
THIS BLOG WILL EXPLORE ASPECTS OF NON-IRANIANNESS ON IRANIAN.COM.
ON IRANIAN.COM
ON IRANIAN.COM
ON IRANIAN.COM
get it?
I beg you,
by Omid Hast on Wed Jun 04, 2008 09:15 PM PDTI beg you to visit Azadeh Azad’s cartoon about Internet Revolution.
Rosie,
by Midwesty on Wed Jun 04, 2008 07:47 PM PDTLet’s not to go on I-said-you-said routine. My comment was directed towards “the content of your blog” not you.
I don’t know how many times you’ve been in Iran but as long as you’ve never been there you can’t judge us based on what you see from us in here.
I pick a few articles to read and I rarely comment if it’s necessary. Your intellect is thought provoking on different subjects especially on art and history but this was a disappointment for me to see you generalize people whom you rarely know.
Finally yes! On contrary, a burnt forest is a more fertile one later on. Look forward reading your next article.
Good night!
You know damn well...
by jamshid on Wed Jun 04, 2008 07:27 PM PDT... that you are not an Iranian when you turn your face the other way, or worst yet, defend the IRI, while it is oppressing, looting and murdering your own people.
There is no difference between IRI suporters and the Neocons, Saddam Hossein, Ultra Zionists, foreign paid soldouts, and so on.
If the Pakistanese had conquered Iran, they would have treated Iranians better than these bunch of IRI traitors.
P.S. Go ahead, close my account.
Rosie Khaanom Aziz !
by ebi amirhosseini on Wed Jun 04, 2008 06:55 PM PDT-You got it out of your system, didn't you !?
-Well said !.
-Agree totally with 3) ,4), 5) & 8).
-On 9),if you mean in general ( poeple who donot know linguistics/phonetic transcription ),I agree;but otherwise NO.
Best wishes
Rosie: Very well said on most cases!
by Ye Irani (not verified) on Wed Jun 04, 2008 06:52 PM PDTYOU ARE NOT an IRANIAN IF:
1. you fought for Iran against Saddam but you call yourself Moslem;
2. You think the 5th column residing outside Iran, planning to persuade US to bomb and kill Iranians is an act against Iran and humanity;
2. you think shahparasts just want to replace IRI for their very OWN benifits;
3. $75M club members use FREEDOM and DEMOCRACY out of mockery and they would be as brutal (if not more) when they take power in Iran.
PS Midwesty
by Rosie T. on Wed Jun 04, 2008 06:48 PM PDTMy original reply to you is at the bottom of my rather cumbersome post below. I checked your article and well, yes and no. October 17, "The Fall of Khatami" WAS your article. But the two specific points I mentioned here were not in your actual article but on the thread. But I DID say that that might have been the case. So I didn't do so badly, did I?
How ignorant am I really? That was seven months ago and I learned a LOT about Khatami. And I remember. Read my long post below, please or at least SCAN it. How ignorant am I really? I was never taught ANYTHING about Iran in my schooling. I mean NOTHING. I did all that on my OWN and fairly recently too. I understand that in the second part of your post you are being conciliatory, but look at the first part. It's like burning down a forest and then asking it to grow.
Did you not notice that in several of the points I satirized MYSELF?
Replies to all the recent posts
by Rosie T. on Wed Jun 04, 2008 04:30 PM PDTI'll have to do this quickly because I have to go somewhere and I want to get these replies in before the blog goes off the home page. So forgive me if they're not as clear or organized as I'd like. There are some serious, serious issues here.
Zoo, thank you. You are in the zoo and I am in the doghouse.
Souri, thank you so much. Some people need to know how you and I forged a cyber-friendship on the basis of trying to understand each other during several disagreements. That's what I call a dialog. You can't have a dialog of ONE. Your English is great and I'm sure you understand me just fine in the blog. ESPECIALLY No. 15 and the PS. Yes, I'm in the doghouse but I will continue to post (though not as frequently as before) for the people here who I have come to know and love as my own family. As for the rest, some will "get it", some won't if they're new, and those who hated me before, I tried my best and I can't change it.
Mouse, please verify for me whether your post was about ME in particular or about non-Iranians in general and then I will write a considere4d reply which I hope you will check and read, but I can't be sure since you so often criticize me harshly and then tell me specifically at the end of your post that I should not reply.
Anonymous Observer: I hope you know that I know that Maryam Rajavi was in the desert in IRAQ, not Iran, and that the turbans are worn by mullahs only. But at least if some Americans think you wear TURBANS, it's a step ahead of "TOWEL HEADS."
The Abbasids, like any dynasty were complex. They had their periods of great tolerance and also great intolerance, as did the Sassanids. It was during their "Golden Age" that they displayed a tolerance unprecedented in that period and they LOVED Persians and they wanted their capital in Baghdaad (God gave in Persian) so that it could be administered by Persians. They admired them as the Romans did the Greeks and I am not SPEAKING here of political autonomy, I am speaking of ethnic and racial tolerance. They, along with their Ummayad cousins in Al-Andaluz, met that criterion beautifully for at least a century. Again, the issue is Islamic TOLERANCE, NOT whether or not there should have been a caliphate.
Daryush, I believe in Koroush and I believe in the fundamental teachings of Mazdaism but I DON'T believe that because Koroush was so progressive in his day that Persian dynasties or Persians have ALWAYS been tolerant and that Islamic societies have NEVER been. They are both myths. The Sassanids at various times persecuted "heretics" as badly as the Spanish Inquisition. At other times they were extraordinarily tolerant. Same with the Abbasids. I refer to their Golden Age. History is complex and no dynasty, ruler, nation or person is all one thing. It is one thing to believe in Koroush, it is another to believe that no one else ever came close to him. That is a myth.
MM. #2 is because the US Post Office motto about excellency is a translation of Herodotus' translation of the Achaemenid's motto for the Royal Road, the first great communication ssystem in the history of the planet, and we learn it as children as though it were our own.
Midwesty, you're being ridiculous. You know me better than that. When Iranians write their "You Know You're Iranian When.." they get the same criticism. OF COURSE all Iranians aren't like that. Hassan knows that, I know that, and you know that I know that. It is a SATIRE about the most prevalent VOICES on this site as a group when I was very active here, it is about my EXPERIENCES on this SITE. Of COURSE those who write the most are often the most polarizzed and unreasonable but those are loudest voices here, and I wanted to give my perspective on those voices. Don't take things so seriously.
I recall an article written some time ago by you I believe (but I don't have time to look it up) in which you analyzed Khatami and said the problems were twofold 1) he did not speak up for the student uprisings and 2) his brother in the Majlis was too secular and caused a reaction among the hardliners. Khatami you said (or someone else said on a blog you were on?) was a MODERATE and you admired him for that. And I AGREE with that, and I LIKE him, and I don't CARE if he wears a turban. But moderateness, dear, moderation, is not easily satirized. For you to start off by calling me IGNORANT is a little aggressive, don't you think? You see the problem is when someone like HASSAN gets criticized for generalizing about Iranians in a satire, the criticisms don't have QUITE the same vitriole as mine do see? So the question then becomes; Why?
Well that's the best I can do for now. I will check back later.
Dear Rosie,
by Midwesty on Wed Jun 04, 2008 09:28 AM PDTI found the content of your blog utterly ignorant. If you meant humor then you’ll need to seriously work on your funny rib.
If at best we assume you are presenting an honest observation about Iranians in GENERAL (that’s my political correctness for your generalization) then this is my honest advice to you, please don’t underestimate Iranians based on observing a few vocal fools in the absence of silent but prudent ones.
I agree with you on most of
by mm (not verified) on Wed Jun 04, 2008 08:59 AM PDTI agree with you on most of your points. But I don't understand number 2???
You are not Iranian
by Daryush on Wed Jun 04, 2008 08:48 AM PDTOr human in that matter if you don't believe in Kourosh. His ideas must be reestablished for peace and prosperity of the world.
You are NOT an Iranian when ...
by Anonymous Observer (not verified) on Wed Jun 04, 2008 07:39 AM PDTI have to explain to you a million times over that Iran is not a desert, we have snow and we don't wear turbans.
On the Abbasid issue, though, I don't know...I hate those idiots...they were the ones who killed my all time hero, Babak Khorramdin....I don't care if they were "tolerant" (tolerance is a relative term and, even as such, I'm not sure they were so tolerant)...they were still anti-Persian independence.
You are NOT an Iranian when ...
by Anonymouse on Wed Jun 04, 2008 06:47 AM PDT- you don't understand why they don't like you getting rid of their Islamo-Faschist Government with surgical strikes.
- you don't understand Islamo-faschism
- you don't understand how their men find their women sexy in hijab
- you don't understand why they moon each other when they pray
- you wonder why they like terrorism
- you congratulate them when they convert to Christianity
- you ask them silly questions
Rosie jan
by Souri on Wed Jun 04, 2008 05:12 AM PDTYup! I missedja!
by zoo (not verified) on Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:44 AM PDTYup! I missedja!
Jammy, I would LOVE
by Rosie T. on Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:46 AM PDTfor you to trash--I mean critique--the IRI supporters and will RELISH the onslaught--I mean civilized discussion--that will ensue. PLEASE PLEASE DO. Tell me EVERYTHING you think about EVERYTHING I wrote that you don't agree with and let the ball roll. It will be like the good old days and I'll be so happy. No cursing, of course, it's not fucking allowed. And as for Mazzie's post, well, that's between him and me and God (whom he doesn't believe in and I no longer trust... :D )
Critque me. Counter me. Tear my blog to shreds. Nitpick. Harangue me. Trash me, I'm yours. May the Force be with you.
Rosie
Rosie: You were
by jamshid on Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:58 PM PDTRosie: You were joking, sorry I didn't get it at first! I can tell you what I disagree with, but it would quickly turn your blog into an argument against IRI supporters. I'd like to save your blog from the onslaught that would ensue.
Maslom Ast: What the heck are you talking about?
As his mentors warned...
by Mazloom on Wed Jun 04, 2008 07:18 AM PDT.
.
"[Luke Skywalker] travels to Dagobah, instead of regrouping with the Alliance. There, he meets Yoda and undergoes rigorous Jedi training, increasing his power in the Force.
His training is interrupted by a vision of his friends in pain. Against Obi-Wan and Yoda's advice, he travels to Cloud City to save them, only to be lured into a lightsaber duel with Darth Vader. As his mentors warned, Luke proves to be no match for the powerful and experienced Vader. After losing his right hand, he learns the truth: Darth Vader is his father. Vader offers him the chance to turn to the dark side of the Force and rule the galaxy at his father's side. Horrified, Luke chooses to die rather than be corrupted..."
Jamshid-joon, Segam...
by Rosie T. on Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:25 PM PDTLook at the top photo essay on the home page! It's ME, in my fur coat...
Also please tell me what you disagree with...wait, lemme guess... you think Mahmood is bihoosh and you WANT to say IRI stooge to the silence is consenters, but you can't because the publisher won't let you anymore...
Rosie
by jamshid on Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:18 PM PDTNicely put, although I disagree with a few items you listed. I didn't understand what you meant with the dog thing though.