ta kay?

by zendegi430

I've been wondering about this for a long while now. At what point does one decide enough is enough! Mikham beram!  How do you walk away from your marriage after 10 years simply because you both are not on the same road any longer? Likes and dislikes and many things have changed. You live together but you do not share anything together. Having a housemate would be more exciting than what I am experiencing. Do you stay and try to work it out or do you say tora be khayr, man ra be salamat? 

Children are not in the picture and so one does not need to wonder besoozam ya besazam. Violence is not an issue because it does not exist. Cheating is not an issue because it is not an issue either.  Its simply a matter of two individuals who care for each other but may not really be in love like a few years back. Two individiuals who are just different than when they met in college.  Shall I say because I am used to this person being in my life?  Shall I leave because I feel unhappy all the time?

Bozorgtara komak konin, koochiktara nazar bedin. This so called marriage contract now involves many thoughts, feelings and emotions. I wish it was just as simple as returning a dress to Nordstrom. 


Recently by zendegi430CommentsDate
Apr 29, 2009
more from zendegi430

When I got bored and I saw

by A (not verified) on

When I got bored and I saw no reason to stay after 9 years I moved on, despite what my family and some friends advised. I found that living together was like living together in a bottle of Coke- brown and with all the fizz gone!
So I moved on.
After 2 years I regretted it deeply and profoundly,
but my partner had moved on and there was no longer a chance to go back.

Think before you leap.

The grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence!
A separation might be a good idea for both of you.


My two cents.........

by Souri on

Most of the ideas here below are correct!! Each one relates to each person's experience........and God knows how those experiences could differs one from another.

I don't know your exact situation, you didn't give us much info. But in a general level, just in your situation, I would suggest this:

Have a good talk with your partner, not about "what is missing",as I believe it's already too late for that, or at least you don't have any patience to fix the situation for the time being. Just ask her if she feels the same way.

Try to find a common ground. One best solution is to get a "short term" separation. Each one will live by his/her own, without having or promising any fixed destination. You will see if you feel better living alone or not. If you will find the excitement you need in your life, without her, or not.

If that excitement is only short lived and you miss her after a while (hopefully it will be the same for her too :-)) Then you will see what to do next.

The key point, here is to keep the relationship always alive, not to cut all contact and all conversation. You will just move out and once in a while, a phone call, a simple visit or a dinner out, will help you to see your partner under a different look.

Good luck.


Shazdeh, I like how you think...

by KB on

Well said mate.

Shazde Asdola Mirza

You can't have yr apple and eat it too! Believe me, I've tried.

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

Everyone's experience is different, but here is my two cents, from an older guy's point of view.

1. You can't marry an exciting sex magnet, and expect her to stop flying around.

2. You can't marry a down to earth and honest woman, and expect great sexual attraction from her.

3. You can't live without children, and expect that 10 years of living with another person won't make her boring.

4. You can't have children and expect them not to introduce a whole lot of stress into your life.

5. You can't divorce someone after 10 years, and expect to start all over again, because divorce is not a time machine!


Don't leave

by Mehbod (not verified) on

If you do, you would regret it, I guaranty you.
There is no such thing as greener pasture. You might end up with someone worse that you wish you kept the first one. Don't fall for craps like I have one life and I live for once. These are messages that come from losers with no hopes, directions or commitments. They always take the path of least resistance in life. Life is tough, hang in there.


Get away for a while

by Ham Dard (not verified) on

I met my partner in college. So much in love at that time and we got married. after 11 years I felt something huge is missing in my life and we didn't notice it.I had the same thing you are experiencing right now. I just kept ignoring and ignoring what is really going on in my life. One day I stopped ignoring. I wanted to go away.
I told my husband I need to get away, go somewhere very far.somewhere with no familiar faces.
I got a one month trip to Tibet no phone calls, nothing just every week I would send and email that I was okay. I told him that I need him to understand me.
during this time I had enough time to think about it.
and also he had some times to be away from me.
When I got back things changed I talked to him and talked. about every single thing that annoyed me and I didn't talk about it. about him being so indifference sometimes. about our feeling that changed over time and I want him to be with me in the same page again or
get out own separated ways. We decided to stay together and work thing out and we did and I am glad that we did.

our needs definitely change our feeling gets up and down. we just need to update each other in every stage of our life.
falling in love is easy staying in love is hard.

No one can tell you what to do. Just you can save yourself. find you own way to deal with it.



by Leili (not verified) on

I hope you are doing a little bit more for your decision than to write a blog on Iranian.com!

You should ask people who simplistically tell you to "be happy because life is too short" whether they themselves have been truly happy since their divorces and more importantly whether they have been able to make another person happy.

A lazy person's way out of an important relationship is to let the distance grow and then without trying hard enough, say "I'm going after my happiness because life is too short."

Yes, life is too short. How many more 10-years do you have to throw away while you look for the so-called happiness?

At least one of the people who have left you "Go For It" comments here is a terribly unhappy blogger on this site! If indeed the advice they gave you is from their personal experience, I doubt they have found the happiness for which they left their partners.

A marriage is a living, breathing relationship which needs attention and work. Yes, you can leave this one, but what would you do with your next relationship? Leave it after 10 years again? Think hard, work hard, and only if all else fails consider a divorce.



by maziar058 (not verified) on

you know you'd decided to leave for some times now,But wanting more (OZRE MOVAJJAH)........excuses. for your mishaps.
have you ever talked directly face to face with your 10 yrs. partner ? if he/she has the same feeling FINE then move on,But if not you will regret forever,sometimes an small gesture can turn the world upside down for better or worst ;your turn to decide GOOD LUCK

how about a 2 weeks vacation together or alone ?


Talk, talk, talk

by Norooz (not verified) on

"i guess we can just GUESS how the other person is feeling"

No one has to guess. But when you talk and find out what he is feeling you can relax. Unless the talk about feelings leads to more talk there is no reason to start another topic. That's all I'm saying. Jumping from one subject to next can become excruciating after a while.

Gift to gab is good for parties not when you are sitting down in your own home, minding your own business and trying to have peace and quiet. Presumably after a hard day of work. Or if you're unemployed a hard day of looking for work ;)


Note to women; less talk equals a healthier relationship!

by sarshar45 on

wow... do you really believe this?? it goes far beyond just talk.

yes, i guess we can just GUESS how the other person is feeling.... NOT!


Ta Kay

by minadadvarAnonymous (not verified) on

Dear Zendegi
The following might be helpful
1)Donot look for an ideal solution. It sounds like you will have some pain regardless of what you decide.
2)Black/White thinking can be very damanging. You donot have to stay (besooz va besaz), you donot have to leave(maro bkharo toro besalamat). There are other options.
3) You need to know that what you are feeling is very normal for people who are going through what you are.
3)You sound so confused and torn about this issue that I think the best thing to do is to see a marriage counselor. Good Luck


What is teh real reason you

by influence (not verified) on

What is teh real reason you want to leave? What are you hoping that your next partner will bring to your life? What kind of things will you be looking for in your next attempt at a relationship???

What are you expectations of a life-long committment/ marriage?

If you were to leave tomorrow, what kind of a life you're evisioning for yourself?


RE: Talk is overrated

by Norooz (not verified) on

Multiple, "talk" is actually the root of ALL problems in marriage and relationships! Forget about being overrated!

Think about it, when people are in the you have only one life to live mode they say there is no more talking. When people are in marriage it is like let's have a talk (translation; let's have a fight ;). Talk, talk, talk. Talk about what? Haven't we talked about everything already? No really.

You are right if we can manage LESS talk we're way ahead and much more happier! Note to women; less talk equals a healthier relationship!


One day at a time

by mrlayl on

IMHO we should choose to be with eachother on a daily basis. Here is an excercise that may help you determine "ta kay?". At the end of each day ask yourself before going to sleep:

Do I want to go to sleep again next to the person in bed, tomorrow night too? If your answer is no, then ask yourself why?

Whatever the reason, next day discuss it with you mate. This will give both of you a method to sort out issues as they arise or you feel them, as well as give you a yard stick to know when it is time to call it quits (same issue(s) and feelings -already discussed with your mate and still feeling unhappy).

Multiple Personality Disorder

Talk is overrated

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

Have you tried watching cable TV?  There’re a lot of good movies on the movie channels.  I also recommend Netflix; they have a lot of current movies too.  Have you ever seen the movie No Country for Old Men?  That’s a good one, and there’re thousands more, and more are coming every day, enough to keep your marriage going for several more decades.  You can watch at least a couple of different movies every night, that way you don’t get bored with your life.


Ask yourself..

by KB on

The general consensus seems to be you should leave and I tend to agree with most statements. My advice however is that you ask yourself the following question before jumping.

How scared are you of the uncertainty of leaving? How brave are you to take the leap and go and “slay the dragon”? Your circumstances and personality are the determining factors.

Remember though those who take the risks get the greatest rewards.


Ta cheshm be ham bezani, mordi

by TheMrs on

RUN now and as fast as you can, don’t look back and don’t have any guilty feelings about anything people say.

To follow along what irandokht says, once the initial excitement of the "rekindling" is over, you're back to square one! Have no fear of the excitement wearing off. The point is you're free to explore other possibilities.

And you cared for your partner right? Why should she go through life with you? Maybe there are better opportunities for her too!

There's so much to be said on this topic, but it's impossible here. So many solutions, but can't be mentioned here.

Have fun! 


first thing: make sure

by IRANdokht on

People do have a tendency to take each other for granted. Maybe you have lost that initial excitement, but have you tried to rekindle the flames lately? have you taken time off from each other to see if you'd miss one another? 

I am not for "bessooz o bessaz" mentality, and in my opinion, happiness is the key to health and love. There are ways to evaluate your feelings towards each other. I honestly think you should make sure that this "boredom" does not result in something you might regret for a long time to come. If you were really in love, you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to try harder before you move on.

Trust me, being single is not easy and most people can't deal with it once the excitement of the "freedom" is gone.  



JJ what do you miss?

by Norooz (not verified) on

This is a cliché that "if you are not happy leave" or that "we only have one life to live". Okay what else? Is it this simple? Maybe for some people but there must be some things that all people miss. What do they miss? Not the first dates memories.

Those of you who have been through it should tell us what do you miss. Just like it was not all baghala polo and sex every night during marriage, it is not all fun and games when you're single.

There are things to be missed, such as 2 wage earners, better living conditions, friendship, not being alone and other stuff. Did you even try? to talk and give warnings and try to work things out? Or did you just yawn and said time to split?

Of course those who have ran their lives to the ground are not included in this because for them this is a no brainer. They didn't even get a chance to say help!. They just drowned. I want to know those who use the cliché of you have only one life to live are they living without regrets now? All is good?



by Amit (not verified) on

Absolutely leave. If you know this and are aware about your own feelings then don't question it. You have one life to live, live it.
I did the same thing. Many years back I was dating a southern girl (from India, I like in Delhi) and even I had met her parents and family I had to leave. It was hard but it was the best. We just didn't get along and were not in the same line. I didn't want to have my life be ruined like my Aunts and uncles.
Leave. Leave. You have one life to live and if you are questioning your feeling for her, it means that you are not feeling love. If you are OK with her or you going on without one another, then go on without one another.
Become free. Release your self.


Zendegi jan

by Mehrnaz (not verified) on

It is perhaps good that there are no children in the picture and that there is no cheating and violence. It makes it much more straight forward and makes a clean break possible if that is what you both decide to do. Then you can separate your ways in good terms, with good wishes and not with acrimony and painful baggage.

What you say about your marriage or relationship having lost its spark or that you are not in love like you used to be in college days, or that sex is not exciting any more and romance non-existence, bad as it is, is a different matter from a situation that you describe as having grown apart from each other in different and separate ways. Marriages and relationships do lose their spark, like anything else, they don't stay new, and passion of sex does disappear, but like looking after everything else in life, any other relationships, plants, pets or even objects, you take care of it by attending to it, treating it tenderly, cherishing it, feeding it, polishing it up to let shine. If the problem, you feel, is staleness, and you feel there is any love (you know if there is) left, then why not give it a try and seek marriage or relationship counseling. That way, if you do separate at least you will have tried you best. I am saying this because staleness and growing differently is inherent in ALL relationships, and if you leave one there is no guarantee that you will find that passion that you experienced in your much younger years and that your initial excitement will stay. In fact because you are older you are undoubtedly less starry eyed ..

However, if you feel you don't want him around you, you are not fond of him, that you don't at all feel like trying, that the relationship has exhausted itself, has burnt itself up, that he is making you UNHAPPY (and you know it if it has) then come out of it, knowing that you might find a better relationships but you need to work on it if you don't want it to get rusty, but there is no guarantee of finding 'love'.

As people change and as people get older, the nature of their relationship changes, even if they remain fond of each other. Don't look now for what you had 10 years ago, you are not the same person either. Change and getting older and loss ... are inevitable, the question is whether you can adjust to the change in you and him in such a way that you can renew your relationship (I know easier said than done but since you don't have children, it is easier). But if you don't like the changes in him and they make you unhappy, leave ... after having talked it through and in good terms, because, still you will lose a relationship you are used to, that way at least you can maintain the relationship (even if you don't see each other) but in a different way.

Sorry if this is not very useful, advices hardly are! But having been through a divorce and remarriage myself, I know that people are complex and relationship doubly so!


i totally agree with jj on this....

by sarshar45 on

this post definitely brings back some sad memories....

jj, you put it much better than i could.

how do you continue living with someone when you know in your heart that there is nothing left? life is too short to be sad or miserable or just stagnant.

may both of you do what is right....and may both of you live long and happy lives no matter what the decision may be.



Stick it out!

by Been there done that (not verified) on

Stay, have another glass of wine, and TALK, TALK, TALK! If you can't talk it through by yourselves, get a marriage counselor to walk you through what's happening. You can always walk out but it would be hard to get back and try it again. Don't be offended, but if you had stayed talking, you would not be where you are now. I have walked out and I have had to try it with a few other people all over again, to no good result. Not as glamorous as you'd think. If there isn't pain as you say, finding joy again shouldn't be that hard. Please give it a good try and give your marriage a good shake. What do you have to lose by trying again? Boredom should be the last reason you would leave a 10 year marriage. That's what I think.

Jahanshah Javid


by Jahanshah Javid on

Everyone has the right to be happy. We all live once and if our lover, partner, companion, or spouse does not bring us joy, love, or friendship then what's the point of living together?

If we do not enjoy each other's company, if we have nothing to talk about, if there is no intimacy, then why suffer?

It is nobody's fault. Things did not work out as hoped. Let's cut our loses and live the remaining years of our lives in better, happier circumstances.