SATIRE

No. No. No. This is not fair, let's be all-inclusive and declare, “Damn all aliens, legal and illegal alike.” I believe this equal opportunity curse covers all aliens regardless of their race, gender, religion or national origin.

And since a curse like health insurance, is better when is comprehensive, let's expand the coverage say, “Damn all aliens including-and not limited to-immigrants and foreigners up to three generations.”

Preventive Care: People with green cards, guest workers, foreign delegates and tourists are equally covered. In general, anyone who is on the US soil at any time and for any reason is automatically damned. Under this policy, foreign passengers in our international airports who carry valid transit visas are also damned. (If the stopover time is longer than the grace period of three hours.)

Now that the universal scope of this coverage is clearly explained, let's talk about the exclusions.

Needless to say that like any other health insurance policy, this curse coverage has its own exclusions, deductibles, co-pays and annual out of pocket costs.

First of all, this damnation only covers head of the family, spouse and children under 18 who live with parents. Children older than 18 years of age may be damned under different damnation policy through college, university or employment.

Secondly, Only immediate family is damned. Family members who do not reside in the US are not covered. Proof of residency is required for the damn coverage.

One might ask why should we provide such a damn costly coverage for damn aliens? Although this is a naïve question, it deserves a clever response. Let me explain.

This year is election year and immigration and health care are top priorities of presidential candidates and this “Damn Aliens” slogan covers both topics in one shot.

The implementation of this dreamlike slogan is not only politically correct but is morally justified. No wonder the young generation is so excited in this election. Everyone is hungry for change.

Besides, there are a host of historical imperatives that morally obligate us to believe in alien damnation policy. Let's study some undeniable historical facts.

The indisputable fact is that we white people lived on this land together peacefully for about 15 to 18 thousands years so far (with 2% margin of error). They are ample evidence indicating that the Jesus Christ himself promised this piece of real estate to Americans therefore, we have every right to go ahead and call the northern counties of Oklahoma (bordering Kansas) the holy land.

The USA may not be called the cradle of civilization-this title was already given to Iraq-But we can rightfully claim we are the invader of this cradle. We are the one who yanked it down, took it apart, scattered nuts and bolts and shattered a frame or two in the process (they were too old and fragile). Therefore historically we are more relevant than the cradle itself. Let's go back to our history lesson.

As mentioned earlier our white race was pure for thousands of years on this holy land until Indians showed up on our shores with their funny costumes, face make-ups and feather hats. As much as we were amused by their dance of fire we were annoyed by their claim of ownership on very land they were dancing on.

This was the first time we realized our national security was under attack and our way of life was threatened. We had no choice but to eliminate those savages. So we did.

For more detailed account of how we exterminated these damned aliens please refer to Hollywood western movies to see the entertaining version of this project in early years and the FBI files to study the step-by-step cleansing operations performed in recent years.

However, after we were properly destroyed Indians as a nation, and as a friendly gesture, we promoted each and every remaining Indian to a Native American and sent them all to reservations to live happily ever after until we needed them to go to war for us.

That was not our only alien encounter. We all remember that fateful morning (no I’m not talking about 9/11) that our ancestors woke up and witnessed the dark aliens getting off the ships from Africa looking for jobs.

We warmly welcomed them to our land and called them niggers for identification purposes. Even then it was not politically correct to call them blacks (by the color of their skins). And then we went ahead and hired them all on spot as slaves with full benefit package.

Unfortunately, after they properly settled in our land and enjoyed a secure employment in our farmlands, they asked for 3% salary increase and emancipation. After a couple of hours of negotiations and a long bloody civil war they finally got their emancipation but that salary increase was out of question, to this day we still don’t budge on that.

One might ask why didn't we try to exterminate these aliens too? What were the drawbacks and side effects of implementing such important national priority?

We did, we made a conscience effort for so many years to eliminate them but they were much tougher than previous aliens. They simply did not go away.

So instead of extermination we tried a different approach called assimilation. And surprisingly enough it worked.

How do we know they were properly assimilated and wouldn't pose a threat to our authority? We knew when one of them had a dream once and told everyone about it. Since we were sure they were properly assimilated, we upgraded their social status and called them African Americans so they too could vote for us and go to wars.

During this process of alien assimilation however, we also evolved as a nation. We learned that white elite don't have to be physically in power to rule. As long as this ship is going in our direction why should it matter who the captain is. So we very well adjusted to these demographic and cultural changes to perpetuate our superiority. Who knows, one day soon we may have an African American in the White House.

Our unique ability to attract, absorb and assimilate all sorts of damn aliens is our most precious asset and the secret of our success. Our history clearly shows that damn foreigners have a knack to promote and protect our interests much better than ourselves.

One may wonder, “Why? Why is it that these damn aliens are more Catholic than the Pope?” simply because they suffer from the nightmarish memories of their lives in their old countries.

And guess who is playing an active role in creation of such national disasters abroad? Our very own World Bank and CIA. To learn more about the CIA crafted nightmares in other countries one must wait about 30 years to view the documentaries and access the classified files through our totally free media outlets. (We figured this is the time required for Americans to call horrific coup d'états, bombardments and assassinations of foreign leaders simply past mistakes.)

Based on the lessons learned from our history and since this assimilation scheme has worked so well for us in the past, we decided to give all new aliens two choices on the menu, assimilation or extermination. Most aliens prefer the first choice simply because it comes with a complimentary order of large French fries and a big gulp of Coke. In all fairness these two choices are really one but freebies are yummy.

And that's why we must damn all foreigners with no exception.

Visit Saeed Tavakkol's site tavakkol.info