We Are Alone No Matter What!

Authority?

As I told you, which you seem to confirm, this Yalon fellow considers himself as some kind of authority. Therefore he sees no reason to show scientific approach. He is not proving anything and he just makes some statements. Even then he is not really saying anything that an average person does not know. While you have typed many exclamation marks, you yourself don't seem to know what he's talking about. If he is talking about something, why don't you tell me what it is? Just to make things clear I have zero interest in how many PhD' he has or how many people look at him with extreme awe or how many people think he is amazing, or God or whatever. I just read his writing and I don't see anything valuable. If you do, why don't you point it out to me?

Then you go on to stating that: "we all came to this world alone and leave it alone; so, it is a legitimate feeling that no matter what you feel alone and the time you get this reality, you will live with fear and anxiety. Only when you accept the fact that you are alone, you can live free of anxiety (mostly of death) you can live a happy and free life."

Are you going to prove any of this or should I just take your word for it? You sound like you are reading from some cult booklet. How do we know these opinions to be facts?

A prominent psychologist? Do you even realize that psychology is not even a science? It is hodge podge - hocus pocus. Do you know that not one of their theories has ever been proven? In fact they have a fight over what psychology itself is! They haven't even moved past that starting point! What is psychology? Is it the study of brain? Is aromatherapy part of psychology? How about ghost hunting? How about psychic phenomena? You can open any psychology book and it says right at the beginning that nobody can agree what psychology is or what it does! But they then go on to describing twenty trillion branches of psychology! Can't get any more absurd than that! The only reason they force it on people in school is because they have a very powerful lobby which is backed by pharmaceutical giants. Psychologist eventually send people to psychiatrists (after years and years of useless "therapy") who are simply drug pushers for the pharma giants. That's all. They have three hundred or four hundred "mental illnesses" which has NEVER EVER been "scientifically" proven - just opinions!

On your last paragraph, it may be that I have not matured. But it could also be that you are so superficial that you don't dare look into your own soul. You clearly admit that you feel isolated but claim that the reason is some hocus pocus, which essentially absolves you of any responsibility. What you are saying in extreme simplicity is that you are a victim of circumstances. There is nothing you can do. And if you admit it (give up) then you "will be happy" which is REALLY funny. How can someone become happy right after admitting he is a victim? "Oh, I am so incredibly happy! I just found out I am a nothing! I am a complete victim! It is so great to know that!" What are you talking about?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yalom is ot some random guy to talk about random stuff, Mehdi jaan. I was talking about feeling alone when you are in a group. What I meant there was that we all came to this world alone and leave it alone; so, it is a legitimate feeling that no matter what you feel alone and the time you get this reality, you will live with fear and anxiety. Only when you accept the fact that you are alone, you can live free of anxiety (mostly of death) you can live a happy and free life. That's all.

Please, don't tell me he talks about matters that he has no clue,because he is one og the prominant psychologists and I bet he knows what he is talking about(at least about the area that he has studies). Rejecting someone just because he/she does not say what you want is a little bit unfair, don't you think?Unless you have enough scientific and/or logical evidence to reject the guy or any anyone for that matter. Moreover, Theories are theories you can prove them or you can reject them if, and only if, you have enough proof to reject it. Now you want to discuss the matter of isolation let's talk and apply it in our life and see what Yalom means by isolation.

As for the fear of having fantasy and secrets that we can't talk to anyone about, I understand you and like I said before, when human being reach to the point of personality growth, fear of sharing with your close relative of how you feel or believe inside should not bother you, unless you are concerned what others think about you, and how their judgement impact your life. You want to continue this discussion, I suggest chat with me on my IM avalinketab. If not, I hope this is enough.

PEACE

Read a book?

I am not sure why you yourself can't just discuss it. I found the book online and took a look at that chapter. It seems to me pages after pages of opinion and unproven theories and naming conditions without understanding anything about them. I don't think the guy has any clue what he's talking about. He picks up major subjects such as death and talks as if he knows something about what death is or what it does. His writings are very much like "fatwa" by a mullah - it is authoritative and seems that he expects us to just take his word for what he says. And he doesn't really say anything that we don't already know - that loneliness is not a desirable feeling. So, I am ot sure what is in there that you find interesting. And I am not sure why you can't simply reply to what I am saying.

Mehdi Joon

PEACE

The alternative

Well, correct me if I am mistaken but your blog mentions being lonely as a undesirable thing. And all I am saying in brief is that either you caused that situation somehow, or you are a victim and have no choice in it. Take your pick. I was trying to be your friend by pointing out that you must have caused it - even if you can't see how. But if you like to consider that you are just a victim and have no choice about this issue, I understand.

I am not trying to insult you but your last comment, in fact confirms that you consider yourself to be perfect. You basically say that you have minor flaws, which to me means you are virtually perfect and things that may possibly be wrong in your life (such as undesirable loneliness) are out of your control and you are just a victim. You are now saying you are happy yet your blog is a complaint about being lonely. So which is it? 

I never said you should seek approval. I merely said that if we didn't have things to hide, we would not feel lonely and isolted, We feel isolated because we are isolating ourselves. And the reason is that we are concerned the we might hurt others. 

Me? Perfect?

Wow! I have to appologize to Mehdi if I saound like I am perfect or attacking you in any ways. I am hardly even close to being perfect, but I am happy. Can't you be happy for me too? Dearest! If I say I have no problem with being and showing who I am does not mean I am flawless!!! Like any other human being I do work on myself to get to the transparency. There is nothing, so far, for me to hide from my family or something that I NEVER want them to know even if it is a fantasy of any kind!!! There is no denial my friend, however, there is something called the level of maturity that I believe I am reaching that no matter what others think of me, I am what I am and their perception of me does not change me a bit, or impact who I am. You need to ask yourself, frankly, what is it that you do not want them to know and why!!! Moreover, why is it important for you to have others approval, when you know whoever you are you are happy with. Also, why is it too hard for you to accept that there are people in this world who are happy with who they are and they do NOT care whether people approve them or not! I have been where you are. I did so many things because it was acceptable through others' eyes. Now I say the heck with what people think as long as I do not cross my boundaries and take away their freedom, either of choice or speech. If you are between 20-30 I know where you are, and believe me someday you will reach to this point. I am not a snob, on the contrary, I want to let you know that being 40, and working hard on myself I reach to this point; however, I am not done yet. It is a long, hard, and rewarding road that I have been willingly walked on so far.

Maybe I used the wrong terminology, I meant being alone not being lonely:)

PEACE

Azadeh

I don't think you are really looking at what I am saying. You are acting like you are a perfect creature and have no flaws, no fears, no hidden worries whatsoever. To me that is a sign that you are not looking! Ask yourself what would I NEVER want my closest relatives or friends to even suspect about me. Then ask that over and over until you get past the layer of denial. If you do it right, you'll start to get vague ideas, which at first may not even make sense. But if you keep at it, it'll come to you. And if you get to the end, you'll know why you feel lonely. There is supposedly no way you could let anyone find out about that!

I totally understand what

I totally understand what Azadeh is trying to say. from time to time when we have a moment of clear head we realize that we human beings are lonely. it strikes us like nothing. when I was a teenage, my family an I used to sleep in our yard in summer times in Iran. I would lie on my back look at stars in the sky and suddenly realize we humen were lonely. we don't know where we came from, where we would go after all. I felt human beings were brought to this world (by accident or by a universal intention)and were abandoned. It would always made me sad and scared. Now I live in new york. I try hard not to allow myself to get dragged to those moments of lonliness. I doesn't matter how hard I try those moments of loneliness come back to me. we are all lonely.some of us admit it.some don't or don't realize.

Azadeh jaan

You said it all.I think one can feel lonely at times & be a very outgoing,extrovert person as well.No need to be alone to feel lonely :

وقتی که دل تنگه فایدش چیه آزادی 

زندگی زندونه وقتی نباشه شادی

 آدم که غمگینه دنیا براش زندونه

ما بین صد ملیون بازم تنها میمونه

Sepaas

Dearest Mehdi

I think if you really have your reasons to be like Hitler, then why should you be embarrased to say so? Why should the thought of it "devastate" you? In fact, why should you care what do your family think of you if that is your desire and you have your reasons which you can prove to them? Why do you need their approval? And if you pretend something that you're not, does that make you feel alone? You can have "disturbing thoughts"; however, you may not want to act upon them since you believe that they are disturbing, which I am not sure by whose standard. I meant you are alone and you cannot unserstand the depth of that unless you be happy, and accept who you are without others' approval.

PEACE

I love being alone!

 I have the best of time when I am alone. I am definitely an introvert, but my job , makes me act extrovert, so by the end of the day and when I am not working I love to be alone.

When I am alone, I am like a kid in candy store, so excited that what should I do next , and where should I go either in person or in my mind.There is nothing like the solitude of the person and his/her soul. to contemplate life and all the things seen and unseen.

At the same time I guess feelings of loneliness differs from being alone, since loneliness implies some sort of rejection from the group and it is different from choosing to be alone.

Tahirih

Are you sure..

Are you sure when  you were with your family that you did not confuse loneliness with having everyone's attention on you? I totally agree with Rumi though, when I am alone, I feel never lonely, because I got things to do, books to read, and goals to reach. Sometimes people get in the way, I cherish my time alone.

What I meant

What if we had a heavily hidden desire to do something that would be considered very embarrassing? Would we even dare to think about it? Or would we push it out of our minds before it had a chance to show itself? What if I had this strange desire to be like Hitler. Would I ever know about it or would I hide it so well that even I could never find it? Now what if someone else who thought very highly of me found out about that? You see, if there are such things that would devastate us if our loved ones found out about it, then those things would be a wall between us and them. If it was possible to freely confess to the most disturbing thoughts and desires, and somehow nothing would happen and nobody would get hurt, I don't think we'd feel lonely anymore! You gotta really think about this and consider it.

Mehdi Jaan

PEACE

Rumi

PEACE

Lonliness is due to secrets

No matter how close we are to our family or others, there are things that we keep secret. There are things we don't want even our closest friend to know. And those give us the feeling of loneliness. Sometimes we hide those things so hard that we even don't remember them anymore. But they are there, if we start to explore. And we could find a way to disclose them, loneliness would disappear and we'd feel right among friends. Secrets, things we can't talk about, are the walls that separate us.

good point

dealing with loneliness is an art all by itself....what do you think?