Islamic Multiple Choice Exams

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divaneh
by divaneh
24-Apr-2011
 

I was recently asked by the Howzeh-ye Elmieh (Islamic Seminary in Qom) to design a multiple choice examination paper to test the theological knowledge and the judgement of the graduating Ayatollahs.  I designed the following paper that was hailed as one of a kind by all the grand Ayatollahs and I was subsequently offered a seat in the seminary that I respectfully declined.

In designing the paper in each case I have stated a generally accepted religious ruling and then have added to the complexity to test the judgement of the Ayatollahs-to-be.

These are not matters of joke but precise Islamic science at work to solve our everyday problems.

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Bismillah

In the following questions please tick one choice only.

Question 1:

Generally accepted ruling:

It is forbidden to let sun or moon look at a Muslim’s private parts and the believers have been asked to hide their sexy bits from the peeping sun and moon when they are busy with discharging number one or number two. In case that they have no other way to hide their private glories from the celestial perverts, it is recommended to hold their hands in front of their dipstick or punanni  to hide them from the dirty two.

Complex Case:

A man walking in the desert needs to take a dump. The sun is right above his head and the man unfortunately has no arms. He has a big schlong and no matter in which directions he would seat, sun would still see his johnson. What should the man do? Should he:

A- Do it in his trousers.
B- Get dip in the sand and do it there.
C- Lie on the ground on his belly and relieve himself with butt facing the sky.
D- Spot the nearest cloud and do his squat under its shadow, making sure that he would move along with the cloud as he is busy with the good job.
E- Shot the Ayatollah who said this.

Question 2:

Generally accepted ruling:

Should a man make love to a donkey resulting in him firing his sperm gun inside the beast, then he must not keep that donkey any longer nor sell it in his own village. He must take it to another village and sell it there.

Complex Case:

A man shags a sexy donkey and experiences the best orgasm of his life. He then does his religious duty and sells the donkey in another village. A day later he sees a man selling the same donkey in his own village and realises that the seller must also be doing his religious duty. What should he do? Should he:

A- Buy the unfaithful donkey and sell it in the third village.
B- Kill the man who has slept with his temporary wife.
C- Kill the horny donkey who seduces the god-fearing believers.
D- Tell the seller about his climax and ask him how it was for him.
E- Hang the Ayatollah who said this.

Question 3:

Generally accepted ruling:

If a Muslim misses a day of fasting, then he has to fast another day instead. If a man or a woman dies whilst he/she still owes god some fasting days, then it is the duty of the eldest son to fast for the number of days that the deceased has missed.  Same ruling applies for the missed daily prayers.

Complex Case:

Parents of a believer never fast or say their prayers and they both die at the age of 75, each owing Allah about 6o years fasting (i.e. 60 months). Now the son has to fast 120 months in addition to his own fasting. This equates to almost 11 years of continuous fasting. Meanwhile he also has to cater for all the missed prayers. Should he:

A- Piss on his parents graves everyday.
B- Change sex.
C- Convince his younger brother that he is indeed the older one.
D- Become a Christian.
E- Throw the Ayatollah who said this from a cliff.

Question 4:

Generally accepted ruling:

A man should not have frontal sex with his wife when she is on her period but if needed can use the back door. If he does hanky panky in the front then he has to pay a fine. To calculate the fine, the wife’s period duration is divided into three. If he does it in the first third, he must give 18 nekhods (peas) gold to the poor people. In the second third 9 nekhods, and in the last third 4.5 nekhods gold must be given to the poor people. Back passage is free of charge all the way through.

Complex Case:

A man decides to use the toll free tunnel to keep the household expenses down and approaches his wife form the back. Unfortunately his Sperminator slips and enters the chargeable front. Should he:

A- Damn it and pay the poor people.
B- Hit his wife for her failure to provide proper guidance.
C- Explain what happened to the poor people to see if they would accept to give him half the gold back.
D- Next time try the spare wives first.
E- Stone the Ayatollah who said this.

----------------

In each case it is permissible to add your own choice with sufficient explanations.

 

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more from divaneh
 
Soosan Khanoom

VPK

by Soosan Khanoom on Fri Apr 29, 2011 07:07 PM PDT

long time no see or better say no talk  : )

I am for all the religions of God and never ever will attack any of them .....

Just brought up a less known fact about the Tozihalmasael and Talmud .....

Both sucks !! 


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Soosan Khanoom

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Fri Apr 29, 2011 06:07 PM PDT

 

Why is it that in every post you have to attack Jews?


  •  
divaneh

Dear VPK and Soosan Khanoom

by divaneh on Thu Apr 28, 2011 04:25 PM PDT

VPK Jaan,

Very good find. We now have to find a look alike for the donkey.

Dear Soosan Khanoom,

Thank you for your insightful comment. Some of these also have their root in the Zoroastrian books such as vandidad and some other old text. Unfortunately whatever the root, this stupidity is the official Islam in Iran, and the base of the very constitution of the country.


  •  
Soosan Khanoom

...........

by Soosan Khanoom on Thu Apr 28, 2011 02:54 AM PDT

Tozihalmasael is the exact copy of Talmud. A jewish Q & A book to religious laws ....... now since hollywoodians are Jewish the likelihood of turning tozihalmasael to a halirious movie is almost zero ..

Although there is a tiny Jewish sect which makes considerable effort to eschew Talmud and adhere to the Old Testament alone. These are the Karaites, a group which, historically, has been most hated and severely persecuted by orthodox Jewish rabbinate.  


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

How about

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Thu Apr 28, 2011 02:32 AM PDT

Sean Connery playing the part of Khomeini?

//totallylookslike.icanhascheezburger.com/200...

Both were "licensed: to kill!! In fact Khomeini was working for and doing her majesty.


  •  
divaneh

Now, that's an idea Hamsadeh jaan

by divaneh on Wed Apr 27, 2011 04:54 PM PDT

I think that would e the best comedy of the year. Ayatollahs may not like the idea initially, but wait till they find out how much they would make in royalty.


  •  
hamsade ghadimi

thanks for the blog

by hamsade ghadimi on Wed Apr 27, 2011 04:35 PM PDT

thanks for the blog divaneh.  have you considered pitching the idea to the monty python crew to make a movie on tozihalmasael.  possible names for the movie: "the life of mohammad" or "holy shiite."


  •  
divaneh

Dear Ari and VPK

by divaneh on Wed Apr 27, 2011 04:10 PM PDT

Dear Ari,

I donate this one to IC too. Just let me know what else you want to sell and I think of something.

VPK Geraami,

Thanks for the historical information but you have now put me off donner kebab man.


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Sheep

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Wed Apr 27, 2011 01:50 PM PDT

 

This is from the "History of Bukhara" by
Al-Narshakhi": The Amir of Herat had brought 10,000 sheep from Herat which were all with him. Mu'adeh ibn Muslim told him, "Here the Turks, our adversaries, are near, and they love sheep very much, Send these sheep to Bukhara, or sell them to me so I may divide them among the troops." He did not consent to do either. A troop of Turks came, attacked, and carried away all of those sheep to a place between Arbiinjan and Zarman.  

 

 

From the chapter: An account of the appearance of Muqanna' and his followers of the "White Rainments"

 

I still worry about the sheep. These Turks had bad thoughts in their minds. What did they do to the sheep?

PS,

  • I know this as a fact; I was there :-)
  • No wonder the sheep I had at the village was so "juicy"!!

  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Ari

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Wed Apr 27, 2011 01:39 PM PDT

 

Wait a minute! You sold the attractive donkey? I was gonna pay you in Gold Pahlavi I stole from Iran!! Now your loss :-) I will settle for a sheep.


  •  
Ari Siletz

Divaneh

by Ari Siletz on Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:49 AM PDT

Thanks. Will add commission to the $137.5 million I owe you from the other blog. Meanwhile please create more of these forums; they are great for business.

  •  
divaneh

Dear Paykar

by divaneh on Tue Apr 26, 2011 06:03 PM PDT

Thanks for your kind comment. Ayatollahs seem to have a difference of opinion when it comes to temporary marriage with goats and sheep. Some as you have pointed suggest killing the sinful animal (probably by throwing from a cliff) and selling its meat in a different village and some suggest killing the animal and then burning the carcass.

Interestingly I was once hearing a Sunni clergy suggesting a choice of three different punishments for gays. The punishment was a choice of beheading, stoning or throwing off a cliff. That's what I call being spoilt for choice.


  •  
Paykar

Divaneh

by Paykar on Tue Apr 26, 2011 09:52 AM PDT

My days get suddenly brighter when I read your stuff.

I think the poor donkey is sentenced to death; now, if it was a goat that was subject of the animal " Husbandry'" the perpetrator is supposed to throw the poor,  shamelessly - violated animal off a cliff; and upon this horrific murder, the guy is supposed to sell the meat to a different village.


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Ari Jan

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Tue Apr 26, 2011 03:01 AM PDT

 

This Seyd himself is a pretty worthy "olaagh" himself! Is he up for sale by any chance? I was hoping for a female donkey (I ain'nt gay) but I guess in a bind a male one would do.


  •  
divaneh

Thanks guys

by divaneh on Mon Apr 25, 2011 04:13 PM PDT

Dear Bavafa,

Thanks for your kind comment. I have learnt a lot from Mash Ghasem and Khaleh Mosheh who seem to be approaching the great grand Ayatollah position. And, thanks for the link, I don't know how I had missed that post. I found it very educational.

Fatollah Aziz,

I am sorry but you have failed. Please see my feedback to Dr Saadat Noury with regards to this choice.

Mash Ghasem Jaan,

I love to mount an African lion but fear that if I approach one the reverse may happen. I also tried the same method for learning English with slightly different films and all I learnt was aah, emm and ouf.

 


  •  
Mash Ghasem

Ayatollah Majnon Bismillah

by Mash Ghasem on Mon Apr 25, 2011 03:50 PM PDT

Keep going like this for a couple more days and you shall be Ayatol Ozma of IC, the world, and the cosmos (maliat keh nadareh).

I thought I turned you to African Lions man, and you're still sticking with the Donkey? This Ari is really a bad infleunce on this site.

Vat's vit deze eronian men, and their love of ass?

Talking about touching a nerve, could you imagine watching that movie with older family members, all of them walking out, and you satying, ( it was my first year abroad, I was just trying to improve my English, honestly.)

 

Faramrz, superb as usual.

Khaleh Mosheh, very touching note!


  •  
Fatollah

دیوانه گرامی باز که گل کاشتی - انتخاب بنده

Fatollah
Mon Apr 25, 2011 03:49 PM PDT

E.


  •  
Bavafa

Dear Ayatollah Divaneh,

by Bavafa on Mon Apr 25, 2011 02:39 PM PDT

The IC community are deeply indebted to you, Khale Moshe and Mash Ghasem for bringing such wealth of knowledge and of great importance to each of us.

I had a distinct opportunity to learn about our religious duty from Khale Moshe which I am immensely grateful to.

//iranian.com/main/2011/apr/showing-your-body-webcam

You guys rock

Mehrdad


  •  
divaneh

Dear Ari and AI

by divaneh on Mon Apr 25, 2011 01:59 PM PDT

Ari Jaan,

Make sure you don't sell it cheap. If the potential buyer is the one that I think he is, then you can ask whatever you want. Don't forget my commission.

All-Iranians Aziz,

Thank you for your generous comment. Reflecting on the very interesting comments posted by the friends, it seems like I have touched a nerve.


  •  
All-Iranians

Thank you divaneh

by All-Iranians on Mon Apr 25, 2011 01:33 PM PDT

You are an extremely talented satirist, and this is a hilarious piece. It gets better & better by the various comments and your very insightful responses.


  •  
Ari Siletz

Divaneh,VPK

by Ari Siletz on Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:57 PM PDT

Divaneh: No worries on not being able to buy. In fact my email has been flooded with inquiries from Qom since I posted the ad in this forum. One potential buyer, SeydAli.K@yahoo. com , has given a whole new twist to the meaning of the expression "Ajab olaaghieh!"

  •  
divaneh

Thank you for your comments

by divaneh on Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:25 PM PDT

Dear Reality Bites,

If the newly born kore khar haramzadeh yells "Ya Ali" then it is obvious that he is trying to fool others (doing taghiyah) and it is a clear proof that devils' sperms have beaten the rest to it. On the other hand if the new kore khar yells "Ar Ar" then his father is surely one of the two donkeys who have shagged the mother donkey.

Faramarz Jaan,

Thanks, that was really funny. Isn't it sexy when they turn their lips and show the teeth? I know how you must feel but there still may be a way. Ask her and her new lover if they are interested in a sex sandwich.

Mash Ghasem Aziz,

Thanks for the link. That sheep is surely sexy but is no match for Ari's donkey when it comes to legs.


  •  
Mash Ghasem

And we thought it was only mullahs!

by Mash Ghasem on Mon Apr 25, 2011 09:26 AM PDT

A blast from the past:

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex - Gene Wilder

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzr5Cubph9Y&feature...

 


  •  
Faramarz

مرجع تقلید متقیان، دیوانه سرگشته دهر!

Faramarz
Mon Apr 25, 2011 07:44 AM PDT

Thank you for your fine essay and fascinating questions. I think that I got most of the answers right. But the question about the donkey love is the one that resonates most personally with me.

After I had to let her go because of the religion technicalities, I did not sleep, eat or drink for 2 days. Then I ran into her and her new lover in the town square. He had his arms around her neck as they walked by me. The sound of her clucking on the cobblestone brought back the memories of our passionate times. God, I wanted her back so badly!

As she walked by me, she flashed her beautiful white teeth and did that thing with her tail. I was full of envy. Was he a better lover than I was? Is she happier with him than she was with me? Would she ever take me back?

I know that there will never be another one like her!


  •  
Reality-Bites

divaneh jaan

by Reality-Bites on Mon Apr 25, 2011 07:06 AM PDT

Thank you for your truly wise and informative answer.

One more question though, what if the baby (aka Kore Khar) yells: "Ya Ali" at the moment of birth (as it's been known to happen to other important personalities when being born)? How does one make a decision then?


  •  
divaneh

Dear Reality-Bites

by divaneh on Mon Apr 25, 2011 05:14 AM PDT

A very good question. If they have failed to say Bismillah at the time of insertion, then it is well known that devil (shaytan) also inserts his sausage in the donkey at the same time and the real father of the child (i.e. kore khar) could be the devil. To be sure, they have to listen to the words of the baby (i.e. kore khar haramzadeh) at the moment of birth.


  •  
divaneh

Dear Friends

by divaneh on Mon Apr 25, 2011 05:04 AM PDT

Thanks for reading and taking part in the exams.

Dear Dr Saadat Noury,

Unfortunately you have failed because to become a good Mullah you should not think like an intelligent person and be weird in some ways. Good luck next time.

Shazde Jaan,

It makes you think that how that country has survived despite all the idiocy exercised by the rulers. I suppose as Iranians we have learnt to live with the idiots (or not).

Dear AI,

I am glad it made you laugh. Now you know what you are missing if you don't have a copy of a Tozih-al-Masael by one of these dens of knowledge.

MM Aziz,

I forwarded your question to the Ayatollahs and was told that it depends on the size of the finger and the size of the sheriff's badge. To be on the safe side, they recommended the more the better.

Mash Ghasem Geraami,

I didn't know about the lion's theological issues. That was really funny, I must find a copy. I wonder if they write these for their own pure entertainment. I remember those lectures and the other complicated issue that was once discussed. A man throws another man out of the third floor window. As the victim passes the second floor in his free fall, another man in the second floor pushes his hand out of the window and waves a sword in the air as you do when you are bored. The waving sword chops the falling man. Now who should be punished for the death of the falling man? I am sure they are still discussing that.

Dear Khaleh Mosheh,

Thank you for the 72 virgins. I would appreciate if god could send two of them down for now. There is no official answer but the more stupid your answer, the better chance you get. With respect to case 4 please remember that money should not be given to the poor people directly. You should give the money to the Ayatollah who then gives it to the poor people for you.

Roozbeh Jaan,

I remember those screening tests and how the best qualified people were failing the tests for not knowing the difference between various types of Ghosl, how to wash and prepare a dead body for the grave or whether they should pay khoms if they found a treasure (ganj). We've got to thank Soroush and others like him for those services.

Ari aziz,

Sorry I can't buy that donkey. I sold it myself two days ago. You have to sell it in the neighbouring website.

Dear Hojat-ol-Islam VPK,

You pass with 90% marks. I will be recommending you for the post of the minister of internal affair but we have to make you a grand Ayatollah first.

Please note that the better answer in case 4 is A, pay the Ayatollah who will distribute the gold between the poor. The better answer to case 3 would be to pay someone to do it for you. The whole industry used to be based on the missed fasting days and prayers of deceased, and may still be.

 


  •  
Reality-Bites

A question

by Reality-Bites on Mon Apr 25, 2011 05:01 AM PDT

Anyone at all concerned that should the donkey fall pregnant, who, if anyone, should be responsible for the alimony/child support payments?

Should it be the donkey shagger/seller or the person who subsequently buys the donkey in the next village?

Or is the donkey going to have to manage as a single parent on its own?

 

Hilarious blog, btw. 


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

My cousin

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Mon Apr 25, 2011 03:12 AM PDT

 

was asked some similar questions before attending the University. She failed misreably and had to go to Europe to get her degree. She said the guy administering the exam was very polite. He did ask her if she was a serious Muslim.

Or was she even a Muslim at all. No actions were taken against her.

The irony is that I got all the answers right :-) Me! The kaffir and Islamphobe that I am managed to get them all right. I guess I know how they think.


  •  
Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

Ari Jan

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on Mon Apr 25, 2011 03:14 AM PDT

 

No thanks. You can keep the donkey :-)

PS, after seeing the picture I am having second thoughts. How much do you want for it?


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