Iranians in Psychotherapy

I

I jan

Eshgi ke nasheh behesh resid, Is nothing but fantasy and it is unfortunate the even today there are so many of us who happen to believe such meaningless proverbs or whatever you want to call them.

This was or should have been like doori o doosti!

flying solo

Thanks for your comment. You have many valid points.  There is no need for apology, because I think we all got caught up with capt-ayhab story .  And I am used to be in IMPERFECT control!!  

My apology

Ms. Dadvar,

I offer my apology for assisting in the derailing of your blog.

I for one am very comfortable with the issue of boundaries both in real relationships and on-line relationships. I am aware that it is much easier to extrapolate when the person is not available to spend time with in real-life situations, so the tendency may be there to fill in the blanks with one's own imagination - not too dissimilar to what typically happens in long-distance relationships.

I think you put it extremely well.  It is important to be vigilant of the content of the communication.  Various people have various comfort levels of what to share/not to share with online friends.

It has been my experience that anonymous communication can be very liberating.  When things get sticky one can walk away and merely not respond. And the less personal information either party has the less likely it is to have to worry about repercussions.

Also, I have made it a rule not to write something down that I would not want distributed around the globe. LIke real life, I suppose one needs to be careful of what one types. Though this website allows rescinding and deleting posts, many don't and most certainly emails can be kept for ever if either party wishes to hold on to them.

My 2 cents and I again thank you for your blog.

Souri Jan

I would have liked the comments to be more about establishing responsible  on-line relationships with each other.  This question was ignored.  Maybe we can discuss it some other time.   

flying solo

Hi :  I do not beleive that your posts were the only ones deleted.  Other comments have been pulled as well.  There might have been a technical problem.

boo hoo

you're mad at me. :-(
i couldn't care less. :-0

judge? YOU are talking about judging? that is a laugh. don't bother. so, just as a reminder, when YOU judge people, it's not disgusting? oh hypocrite, thy name is captain. :-0

now. you listen to ME and YOU listen good. you're little threats don't bother me at all. empty words from an empty man. YOU have put your "business" out here for all to see. i ain't "meddling" in a thing. how typical that you dismiss comments that dont' agree with you but oh, dearest souri who agrees with you is just wonderful.

yo know as well as i do that if it were anyone else, someone she didn't like, she'd be calling you a cad. but since it's you, it's honorable? give me a break. LOLOL

i'm not telling anyone how to conduct themselves. i'm just replying to it.

i'm not telling anyone how to feel. i'm just saying how i feel.

that ain't holier than thou. but if you DO want to go there, by all means, go right ahead. i know exaclty what honorable means. and i know exactly what committment means. and i know exactly what CHEATING means.

respect from a disrespectful person? i'm not the least bit deprived by your lack of respect.

shocked

Seems to me you are having hard time understanding how disgusting you are when you judge people the way you do. I know who you are, but if you allow me I rather not get into it with you.

Seemingly you have some sort of a score to settle with some one who might have cheated on you. Listen to me and listen to me very very carefully, I ain't that person.

Who died and made you the guardian of morality? I have asked you nicely before not to meddle in my business, due to some erroneous thinking that you are a mature person, I used to respect you, but obviously you can not handle it.

Do yourself a favor, stop being such an arrogant goody two shoes and stop pretending that you are Mother Marry. What ever you do is your business as to what ever people do is their business. You are NOBODY to be telling people how to feel and how to conduct their affairs. Show some respect and dignity, instead of bad mouthing people here present yourself as a human being so people might learn to respect you.

This constitutes very last communication I am going to have with you. Too bad I have great deal of respect for a certain person otherwise I would not be holding back anything as I have so far. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?

Have a wonderful LIFE

-YT

listen

you want to condone CHEATING. go right ahead. i don't. i don't condone it. i don't respect it. i don't "praise" the "bravery" of admitting it or flaunting it or glorifying it. period. it's weak and without honor. can't get any simpler than that. and what's this judging crap? you post a "story", you're exposing yourself to judgement. duh. you post comments making it sound like an affair was about "love", expect judgement. it's ALL OVER this site. LOL.

what's is this "told me before" stuff? you think you know me? guess again. you don't know crapola. you just think you do. aren't YOU judging me with YOUR comments? of course you are. i don't really care what i sound like to you. :-) whatever.

there are no "circumstances" to an affair. what don't you get? there are repercussions of CHEATING. that's all. his wife and children suffered. period. and for what? love? spare me that kind of love. call it waht it is. selfishness. you ask me what do I know about those 4 years. what do YOU know? do you know how it made his wife feel? how it made it children feel? i might not KNOW. but i can imagine. and it disgusts me. same as when i started with my first comment. and i DO have a right to an opinion. so do you. they just are different.

nothing you say is going to make me feel this was honorable. or that he didn't ask for it when he posted or should i say boasted about it.

i'd say the same thing about the president. if his wife forgave him, more power to her. it doesn't change the facts, now does it.

Deletion LOL

My posts have been deleted. There was not one word of offensive language or offense. LOLOLOL . C'est la vie.

1 Corinthians 13

 1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Mina jan, my apologies....I must reply

Shocked:

1) I never (and this is not the first time I say it to you, but you still insist on presenting me this way) I never, say You are a cheated woman, till I really know the truth!! Read what I'd said here, I said : You act like a cheated woman. And want it or not, yes honey, you do!

2) In the contrary, you are the one who judge people. Look at what you said here: 4 years of life of a wife who sat there ....the children who watched their father....blah balh blah...

My dear Madame, you don't know the circomstances of that affair. You don't know nothing honey, neither do I. Why do you imagine a picture and are trying to give us the picture of your own imagination?

Do you know what really happened during those 4 years? What do you know?

3) Once again, Captain didn't come here with his story to be judged by you or me. The ones how should judge him and act upon his story, have already done it. What is your problem with that?

Guess what? Even the president of the USA cheated and has been forgiven by his wife (I would never forgive such thing, myself!!)

Take it easy Madame! Take it easy.

fair?

yo call anything about an affair "fair"? fair to who? the wife who sat there for 4 years while he was cheating on her? 4 years of wondering, is it me? why isn't he interested in OUR relationship anymore? 4 wasted years of HER life? but go ahead. call me disgusting. fair to the children who saw their father living a lie? fair to those same children who have got his affiar as an example of committment? fair to those chilren who see their mother subjected to such humiliation and abuse? fine. call me disgusting.

LOLOLOL.
once again souri you decide to be judge andjury. no i have not been cheated on. believe me,, if my husband cheated on me, for ANY reasons, i'd be long gone. especially if he was so proud of it. i think that's the most disgusting thing about the whole thing. and let me remind you. neither of you two scenes fit the crime. but i do agree with you. his wife SHOULD have "never forgiven" him. love my ass. lust and nothing more.

you say such stupid things like "graved words in stone". no souri. a relationship doesn't mean it's going to last forever. but when you're capable of taking a simply UNACTED UPON moment of lust and turning it into CHEATING on your vows, then get the hell out of the marriage. it doesnt happen whle you're walking down the street. it is a conscious act of CHEATING. you can't say "i didn't know what i was doing" or "the devil made me do it". you either CHEAT or you don't. simple as that. the minute your that tempted, then get out of the marriage. otherwise, you have no honor. it's pretty simple really. honor means you respect your vows and committment. lack of honor means you don't. but oh boy. he came up with some pretty good excuses for it. LOLOL.

and you call me disgusting.

i'd sure like to hear the lovely young thing's version of this affair. LOLOL

Wow

The real question is completely ignored!!! 

Oh MY!

Some people really don't deserve the knowledge of the truth.

An honest man comes here to share a sad experience, just in order to help the rest of us, and he get back a huge amount of insult and prejudice?

Are you guys for real?

Do you live in a real world in real time? Have you ever heard about love yourself when you blame the man and say : you have no idea what love is ?

Then what is love according to you? What is love? A conventional relationship that when it has been sealed in a paper should stay intake for centuries like the graved words in a stone?

Have you ever read the big old love stories, Madame? Did you like them? Are you here to judge and blame all the heroes of the "impossible love novesl" in literature for their love affair?

Could you please tell me how do you define "love" in your words?

When would we learn to leave people free to express their personal feelings and their personal experiences, without giving them the lash back?

To be honest with you, this is YOU, who are the most disgusting person in this whole thread. You act like a cheated woman who has never got over her wound. Before jumping to the conclusion and judging the people based on a short (few lines) information about a 4 years relationship, first think about your own past and the wounds which haven't been yet healed. Are you fair?

I'm in a 25 years marriage relationship, I'm telling you, if my husband cheats on me just for lust, I would never forgive him, but if he falls in true love with someone else, I will walk away from the marriage, wishing him the happiness he deserves and we may stay good friends....and I assure you it's exactly the same for my hubby! He thinks the same way about me. Love does not mean POSSESSION, Madame!

Try to realize that for every single human, there's a way of thinking and behaving. While we have ethics and rules to behave upon, but there's also heart and feeling. Watch for one, does not sacrifices the other ....  Because you have only one life!

shocked no more

get a life sweetie .

-YT

captain

at least you've shown your true colors. i read your "story" when i thought it was fiction. not only was it terribly written but so selfish. now that i know it's true, i'm even more disgusted. oh, and please don't talk about judging people. it's something you're pretty good at yourself. you have no idea what the word committment means. i pity your wife. and hope she never has to read your sad need to publicize your shame. you have no idea what love is.

another selfserving hypocrite.

.

I chose to delete my comments because I did not expect to see so many people judging the issue based on single event.

Souri Jan, Exception noted. I appreciate the links of the movies.

Respectfully

-YT

Anonymous and shocked

Being judgmental about people you do not know is the most disgusting of all behaviors. Unless you want to claim that you are the righteous[goody two shoes] one on the planet.

-YT

Boundries

What is the key to handling on-line relationships (especially with the opposite sex) ?  There is no easy answer, but perhaps the following tips help those who would like to benefit from on-line communication without jeopradizing their off-line connections:  

1)  Give your priority to your off-line relationships.

2)  It is true that on one person is able to fulfill all your needs.  But there are certain basic, fundamental needs that should be met within the bounds of your off-line relationship.

3)  Do not engage in intimate conversations.

4)  Be prepared to disconnect if you feel that the boundries have been crossed.  Ask yourself  "What if it were my spouse on the other end of that conversation ?"  If you have a negative reaction, then it is time to end the connection.

If you are unable to respect these boundries, then you owe it to yourself/others to go on a "self-exploration" journey. 

Thanks for your comments and good luck with your on-line and off-line relationships.      

i can't belive

all this SAPPY bullshit being written to a man who CHEATED on his wife and is actually proud of it to the point of sharing his "feelings" and boasting about it.

i don't know who disgusts me more.

dear Captain, Hafez (and me) understand you :)

کاپیتان عزیز، احوال درونی شما رو فقط حافظ فهمید:

در نظر بازی ما بی‌ خبران حیرانند

من چنینم که نمودم دگر ایشان دانند

عاقلان نقطهٔ پرگار وجودند ولی‌

عشق داند که درین دایره سرگردانند

من فکر میکنم که این یک تجربهٔ شخصیست که هیچ کس جز خود شما نمیتونه
اون رو تجزیه و تحلیل کنه، چون فقط شما هستید که این تجربه رو واقعا
زندگی‌ کردید و از همه کم و کاست اون اطلاع دارید. شخصا به شما حسرت
میخورم که چنین  احساس عمیقی رو در زندگی‌ تجربه کردید که ما فقط در
کتابها و در فیلم‌ها میبینیم. زندگی‌ همش احساسه  و هر چه این احساس عمیق
تر درک بشه، اون زندگی‌ پربار تره. به شما تبریک میگم که مرد
شجاعی هستید.

موفق باشید.

del

-YT

P/S Gheseyeh Capt_ayhab be sar resid,,,,,,,,,,,, Kalaghe be khunash naresid....... 

sweet desi, If i may

به گفته شاعر "آرزو بر جوانان" که اینجانب باشه عیب نیست.  :-)
اینو در رابطه با حرف شما که میگین "رابطه فرضی اینده" عرض میکنم.

-YT

This perfect creature,

This perfect creature, beautiful, entreupreneur who just happens to be very brainy may actually have been in love here. Why is it that her judgement is under question just because she is too young? 

I see it this way.

There's a man, despite what he might believe or say, who's been married for 30 years. Even if you assume that most of those years were good, he was probably bored. Maybe he didn't even know it. So here comes a shaans and he can toor a younger chick. She's smart too, what could be better? To top it all off, she has some feelings for him too. Now, the relationshop progresses and gets deeper. Until the guy realizes, holy shit, I have a family! Because of obligation and who knows what the relationship ends. Unless he's an alien, he is still going to be thinking about her. Who wouldn't? In a perfect world, he would have her without worrying about anyone's future or aberu or any thing else. Who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it to.

Generous Captain

I've been trying to change the history of ideas with little time for cat fights on this site --just kidding :)

You have every right to take the word 'obsession' off the table to keep an old amour sacred (love by nature could be as generous as blind after all), but please consider giving the word more credit than what you now do.  Have you read Zahir?

Any 20YO has a long way ahead to grow up so again how about letting go of a defensive re-statement of her brains and instead trying to bring that very fact to bear on your narrative when you may talk/write about her and the relationship in the future?

del

deleted

Dear Capt

First off, I too commend your courage to get out of the closet in sucha  forthright manner.  Besides, I do owe you my presence on this site as a registered user with one or two things to say here or there (for whatever it's worth) in reaction to that piece you wrote.  So please don’t take this hard. I found that piece a wee bit strange as it sounded like you were throwing a few words on 'intellect' 'charm' 'intelligence' etc. here and there mostly to ornament a middle-aged man's obsession with a young and after mahtab nadideh body. You then did explain it away by humbly suggesting that it was your first attempt in writing in that line.  But your words here also confirm what your piece conveyed then.  What's wrong with admitting to a consequence of middle-age crisis and staying away from judging yourself so harshly (in appearance) by repeating how you take responsibility for it.  Flying Solo’s call for compassion is a gem –compassion both for yourself and for others. Maybe if you took that seriously, then the sense of responsibility would appear more true to self rather than a defense mechanism.   There’s nothing wrong with a desire to be unique specially in love – the reason romance genre is never repetitious after all.  But we’re all more similar than different and just as there’s nothing wrong with depression (on top of the taboo list) there’s nothing odd about middle-age crisis either.  Be good to you, be good to others. 

.

.

capt-ayhab

I am glad that you have resolved this issue and are in peace with your decision. However, the resolution sounds intellectual not emotional. 

I do not blieve that your attraction to this young lady was purely sexual (you call it biological), because you often talk about her intellect, innocence and charm.    

I don't think you are over her

I too am of the opinion that you are not over this woman and that you truly fell in love with her. But you are a noble person and rationalizing your actions. If it weren't for the cultural constraints and the fear of the younger woman leaving you when you are older and then being left with no love and no family, I bet you would not end the relationship. If I were you I'd probably do the same thing. It must be hard to have someone occupy your heart and mind like that all the time but then not have access to the person. As the saying goes "eshgh uni hast ke heech vagt behesh adam nemirese" At least you have experienced true love and lust. Many people don't.

Captain you must watch those movies

(sorry all, not directly related)

I have two movies for you to watch. One is this "Damage"  with Jeremy Iron and Juliette Binoshe (but be careful, you must have a very strong heart, because this really hurt!!) and also it's a movie rated XXX !

About "Damage": The pain, a sense of loss or longing for something
unable to express any other way. I love this movie, Jeremy Irons and
Juliette Binoche are both at their best. It's superb.

or

//www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-Qxn_XpmLFwQ/damag...

And also

"Falling in Love"  with Meryl Streep and Robert de Niro.

During shopping for Christmas, Frank and Molly run into each other.
This fleeting short moment will start to change their lives, when they
recognize each other months later in the train home and have a good
time together. Although both are married and Frank has two little kids,
they meet more and more often, their friendship becoming the most
precious thing in their lives