Letters
August 5, 2004Top
* Silent opening
If
I didn't know what Professor
Najmabadi's specialised subject was, reading her article, "Sexual
politics of naming", would have me believe
that she is the current incumbent
of the prestigious Vali Khan chair in Bums and Buggery, named after the
legendary Vali Khan, an equal opportunity bugger of the Qajar court who
treated his objects of desire hole-ly equally! As a matter
of fact, the expression "bugger all" finds its true usage in
the exploits of Najmabadi's valiant Vali Khan.
Indeed Professor Najmabadi's in-depth analysis of the sodomiser
and the sodomised must have left many wondering if Harvard is offering
a degree course in this tightly competing area. And why not? With
Abdolkarim Soroush among its most recent visiting fellows, Harvard
can boast having tapped into the innermost sanctums of Islamic research.
The term "innermost sanctums" should find a new meaning, and
dimensions, through Najmabadi's piercing research into the Islamic
order of preference for penetrating private parts of one's partner.
In fact, given the current drive towards democracy and pluralism in Iran,
it is particularly touching to note how the good Professor makes a compelling
case for the part played by this most prickly of all practices
in shaping a pluralist approach to the penile penetration of
bodily orifices.
And talking of orifices, I am not sure why Najmabadi is so
silent on arguably the most vocal of all human openings, the mouth.
While she is widely open on the rear opening opportunities, Najmabadi is
curiously tight-lipped and offers no explanation as to why mouth,
this most sexually vibrant of all apertures, is omitted from
her pecking order. Mouth's sexual vibrancy is so powerful that can
shake the foundations of the world's greatest democracy, as witnessed
in the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. In fact, if Monica had followed Professor
Najmabadi's example and kept her mouth tightly shut, she would have saved
the office of the President, as well as her own dress, from being so
badly stained.
Another notable omission from Najmabadi's article was her total
disregard for one Iran's most ardent anti-buggery campaigners of the
last century: the great poet and Prince, Iraj Mirza. I can understand
why Najmabadi may have deliberately ignored Iraj Mirza as his intense
dislike of the anal sex would have negated her professorial
theory of Orifical Order of Preference in Sex (OOPS for short).
Iraj,
himself a Qajar prince, was a complete opposite of Vali Khan, when it
came to being selective in terms of sexual openings. In his most celebrated
work, Aref-nameh, a poetic debate with his long time friend,
the famous song writer, Aerf Qazvini, Iraj eloquently and satirically articulated
his staunch loyalty to performing straight sex with the opposite
gender, a practice traditionally abhorred by the residents of Qazvin,
Aref being one. But in fairness to Najmabadi, her OOPS
theory is not only limited to the people of Qazvin, but its faithful
followers can be found amongst the holey-est of the hole-y, as elaborated
below.
It is rather disheartening to note that our Professor's outstanding
cultural, lingual and sexual knowledge of buggery and its allied
topics, is easily outdone by a freshly initiated, but well versed, student from
the renowned Feyzieh seminary of Qum, amicably called Houzeh
by its hole-y residents. These young men whose devotion
to erect the Islamic colours of brotherhood and unity takes
them through the tightest, deepest and darkest, if not the dirtiest, paths
of discovery are trained to experiment among themselves with the ever
consuming science of Islamic jurisprudence.
 One can imagine
the wealth of experience and knowledge gained by these young men
while deeply engaged in their heated debates and pointed arguments
in those small, tight and dark digs of Qum seminary. This is why I would
like to conclude this letter with a research proposal. With Harvard's
recently aroused passion for Islamic studies and Feyzieh's age
old lust for new openings into Islamic conquest of the West, I have
no doubt that Harvard would enormously benefit from a partnership
with the Feyzieh seminary. Thanks to Professor Najmabadi's ground
breaking research into OOPS, Harvard and Houzeh should make perfect
bedfellows.
Parkhash
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August 5, 2004
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* Silent opening
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Bam
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Art
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Persian lesson
* Words
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* Soopoor
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Abjeez
* Logical
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Vultarity, Profanity
* Deserve
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Googoosh
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Disclaimer
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